**************************************************
An elderly couple
celebrated many years of marriage. The man said, "I’m pleased to say that
we’ve never had a fight." The wife responded, "Well, it helps to be
old and forgetful!"
There is no such
thing as a married couple that never has conflicts. But the same is true in
many other relationships, including in the home, the church, on the job, etc.
Unfortunately, most people lack the skill to discuss disagreements and resolve
them. As a result, many people become seriously alienated but never resolve the
cause of the problem.
The purpose of
this study is to learn what the Bible says about how to resolve conflict in our
relationships with others.
*****************************************************
We are concerned
with conflict in general, but especially with serious conflicts that destroy
relationships with bitterness, quarreling, uncontrolled anger, insults, hatred,
and even violence. People need the ability to discuss serious problems, reach a
plan to resolve them, and then put that plan into action.
I emphasize that
this is a skill that can be learned.
*****************************************
We hope to learn
what the Bible says about how to develop this skill. Since these are Bible
principles, they work when all the parties to a conflict respect the Bible,
although they can be of some help even when dealing with those who are not
Christians.
Consider the
following steps that can help people avoid or resolve serious conflicts.
I. Trust God for
Help and Hope.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A. Believe that
God’s Plan Can Help Your Problem.
===============================
Hope is
fundamental in resolving problems.
***********************************
Many people have
quarreled so long that they lose hope things will ever improve. They resign
themselves to go on quarreling. God assures us He will help us deal with even
the most difficult problems.
1 Corinthians
10:13 – No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but
God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able,
but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able
to bear it.
Philippians 4:13
– I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If we trust in
ourselves, we may fail. But we must believe Jesus will provide the strength we
need to please God.
No matter how
other people act, a Christian can treat other people right.
*****************************************************
If both parties
work according to God’s word, the problem can be resolved scripturally.
People who are
struggling with conflict need hope. If that is your case, study and make a list
of Scriptures that assure us we can be faithful despite all problems and
temptations in life.
(1 John 5:4; 2
Timothy 3:16,17; 4:18; Ephesians 6:10-18; James 4:7; Genesis 4:7; Psalm 121:7;
119:11; Matthew 6:13; John 17:15; 10:28,29; 2 Peter 1:10; 2:9; Jude 24; Romans
8:31-39)
B. Pray for God’s
Blessings.
=================
Philippians 4:6,7
– Don’t be anxious, but by prayer and supplication make your requests known to
God. If we truly trust God’s power, then we will pray diligently about our
problems.
Matthew 5:44 –
Love your enemies ... and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute
you. If we should pray even for those who persecute us, surely we should pray
for all with whom we have conflict and disagreement.
If we ask for
help in resolving conflicts, we need to believe He will answer. If both parties
are faithful Christians then they should regularly, together and individually,
pray for God’s help with their problems. Confess the problem specifically to
God and ask for His help.
But remember that
God answers according to His will. He does not force anyone to do right. He
gives encouragement and instruction in His word, but each party must choose to
obey.
When you face
serious conflict, how often do you pray for God’s help? How often do you pray
specifically – even by name – for the other people involved in the problem?
(Matthew 6:13;
7:7-11; 1 Peter 5:7; 1 John 3:21,22; 5:14; James 5:16; 18:19; John 14:13,14)
II. Study and Follow
God’s Word.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
One of the
biggest mistakes people make, even brethren, is trying to resolve our conflicts
without properly discussing and applying Scripture.
A. God’s Word Has
a Plan for Relationships.
==========================
God’s word has a
plan for:
* The
relationships of husband and wife.
* The
relationships of parents and children.
* The
relationships of members of the local church, including members to the elders.
* The
relationships of employers and employees.
* The
relationships of citizens to their government.
Our purpose is,
not to discuss all these specific plans, but to emphasize the need to study
what God’s word says about whatever relationship is troubling us. Then we will
see that God’s word has a plan for resolving conflict with others, especially
with other Christians.
2 Timothy 3:16,17
– Scriptures provide to all good works. If solving conflict in our
relationships is a good work, then the Bible will tell us how to do it.
B. Follow Bible
Teaching Instead of Human Authorities.
==================================
Proverbs 3:5,6 –
Trust in the Lord and let Him guide your path. Don’t lean on your own
understanding.
Too often people
seek guidance for problems outside the Bible.
****************************************************
They trust
psychologists, marriage counselors, friends, etc. Such sources may help if
their advice agrees with Scripture. But often they offer human wisdom instead
of Scripture.
Other people are
guided by feelings.
*****************************
Couples get
divorced saying, "I just don’t feel anything for her (or him)
anymore." But no amount of feelings can change what God’s word says.
Jeremiah 10:23 –
The way of man is not in himself; It is not in man who walks to direct his own
steps.
Most of us accept
the need for Bible authority regarding salvation, worship, church organization,
etc. Why should it be any different regarding our relationships with other
people?
(Proverbs 14:12;
Luke 16:15; Isaiah 55:8,9; 1 Kings 12:26-33; Acts 17:21; Romans 1:22; 1
Corinthians 1:18-25; 3:19; 2 Corinthians 10:5; Colossians 2:8; 1 Timothy 6:20)
C. Study and
Teach What the Bible Says about Your Problem.
======================================
If we really
believe the Bible has the answers, then we should study what it says. This is
what we would do about any other spiritual problem. Why do otherwise regarding
our conflicts?
Acts 17:11 – The
Bereans learned the truth by searching the Scriptures. (Psalm 1:2)
We must study
Scriptures so we can know God’s will. But we should also examine Scripture in
our discussions with those with whom we have conflict. It is a serious mistake
to attempt to resolve serious conflicts without consulting and discussing
Biblical principles.
How much time
have you spent in sincerely searching the Scriptures like the Bereans to find
the answers regarding your problems with other people? How much have you relied
on reading and discussing the Scriptures with those with whom you disagree?
D. Then Obey the
Bible Teaching.
=====================
Matthew 7:24-27 –
The wise man not only hears what God’s word says, but also does it. The foolish
man hears but does not obey. If we believe that God’s word holds the answers to
our problems, we must determine to do what it says, not just learn what it
says.
Hatred, bitter
quarreling, and alienation mean someone is disobeying God.
*****************************************************
God created
families and the church for our good, not to be a source of hatred, grudges,
and bitterness. When these exist, either the problem began because someone
disobeyed God, or else people have reacted sinfully to the original problem. In
any case, severe alienation and bitterness in relationships almost always
involve sin.
But if the
problem is sin, then the Bible has the solution. Recognizing that sin is the
problem gives hope, because a Christian knows that God has the solution to sin.
God expects you
to follow His word, even when others do not.
***************************************************
Romans 12:17,21 –
Repay no one evil for evil ... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil
with good.
Conflicts always
involve more than one person, so they can be completely resolved only if all
parties are willing to obey God’s plan. If only one person obeys God, the other
person can keep the problem alive. Nevertheless, you can and must follow God’s
will regardless of what others do.
If all parties
commit themselves to practice God’s plan, sin can be eliminated from any
relationship. And regardless of whether or not others obey God, you can still
please God if you follow His word.
(Matthew
22:36-39; John 14:15,21-24; Romans 2:6-10; Hebrews 5:9; 10:39; 11:8,30;
Galatians 5:6; 2 Thessalonians 1:8,9; James 1:21-25; 2:14-26; Luke 6:46; 1 John
5:3; 2:3-6)
III. Express
Appreciation and Praise for What Is Good.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Our appreciation
for one another is always important but especially in times of conflict.
Romans 13:7 –
Christians should give honor to whom honor is due. (Philippians 4:6,7)
Often when we are
upset we fail to see the good in others. This tends to blow problems out of
proportion. In particular, when other people do try to improve, instead of
expressing appreciation for those efforts, we immediately criticize and demand
more. "Well, but what about this..."
Bible teaching
about praise and appreciation of other people is interesting because the Bible
emphasizes our need to give praise to others but not to over-emphasize
receiving it. This is definitely an area where it is more blessed to give than
to receive – Acts 20:35.
God Gives Praise
and Appreciation for Our Efforts.
===============================
Matthew 16:17 –
When Peter confessed Jesus, Jesus answered, "Blessed are you, Simon
Bar-Jonah." Peter was often wrong, but in this case he was right so Jesus
praised him.
Matthew 25:21 –
The master (who illustrates God) told his servant, " Well done, good and
faithful servant."
1 Corinthians 4:5
– Then each one’s praise will come from God.
God’s praise and
appreciation for us should teach us to do the same for others.
(2 Corinthians
10:18; 1 Peter 1:7)
Husbands and
Wives Should Give Praise and Appreciation.
====================================
Scriptures
showing husbands and wives should give praise and appreciation.
*****************************************************
Proverbs 31:28-31
– The husband of a good woman ought to give her praise. A woman who fears the
Lord, shall be praised. Let her own works praise her in the gates. Husbands, do
we praise our wives for the good they do, or do we just criticize? (Proverbs
18:22)
1 Peter 3:7 – The
husband should give honor to his wife. Yet, one major failing many husbands
have is that we give much more criticism than we give honor. This is absolutely
one area in which I failed in the early years of our marriage.
Ephesians 5:33 –
Let the wife see that she respects her husband. Is it respectful to criticize
your husband repeatedly but rarely have anything good to say about the work he
does?
Applications
**********
In time of
conflict, we tend to focus on the problems and overlook the blessings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time and time
again we have seen cases where one spouse really tries to improve some area;
but instead of appreciation, all their spouse gives is criticism. It is never
good enough.
This becomes a
vicious cycle because then people complain that they are not being appreciated
enough. Soon everybody is complaining and nobody is expressing appreciation.
And sometimes we
set our own standard as to how much appreciation we think we deserve and we
feel sorry for ourselves if we do not receive it. And even when others try to
express appreciation, we are never satisfied that it is enough. This just
escalates the conflict.
Acts 20:35 – This
is truly an area in which it is more blessed to give than to receive.
In times of
conflict, it is important to focus on giving appreciation to others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But have a thick
skin and don’t brood about how much appreciation we are receiving.
So, if you are
angry and upset with your companion, do three things. (1) Make an honest list
of every good quality your companion possesses and every good work he/she does.
Be as thorough as you can. (2) Then every day make a definite point to find
something specific to compliment and express appreciation for. (3) Do your best
to focus on resolving the main conflict but try not to focus on your own
feelings about whether or not you are being appreciated.
This will
significantly help when it comes time to discuss your problems, and it will
also make your problems seem much less serious.
(Proverbs 12:4;
19:14; 31:10)
Parents and
Children Should Give Praise and Appreciation.
====================================
Parents should
praise and appreciate their children.
******************************************
Luke 15:20-24 –
The prodigal son had been wrong, but he determined to change. When he repented
and returned, the father kissed him, rejoiced, and gave a feast in his honor.
The father praised the efforts to do better. But instead, the older brother
just harped on past wrongs. Are we like the father, expressing appreciation for
sincere efforts to do right, or are we like the older brother who harped on
past errors?
Colossians 3:21 –
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Far too
often we allow our conflicts with our children to lead to continual harping and
nagging, so they become discouraged. We gave them little or no credit no matter
how hard they try, so they give up because they think they can never satisfy
us.
(Psalm 127:3-5;
128:3,4)
Children should
appreciate their parents.
*********************************
Proverbs 31:28 –
Not only the husband but also the children should appreciate a worthy woman.
Her children rise up and call her blessed.
Proverbs 20:7 –
The righteous man walks in his integrity; His children are blessed after him.
If your parents sincerely seek to serve the Lord and to raise you to please God
and have eternal life, you have a rare and very special blessing. Few people in
the world have that blessing. Do you appreciate it? And do you tell your
parents that you appreciate it?
What often
happens is that we allow our conflicts and disagreements to become our focus so
we ignore the good that our parents or our children do. Even when they
sincerely try to improve, instead of expressing appreciation, we keep finding
more they need to change. "What about this?" and "What about
that?" They become convinced their efforts are never good enough, so why
try?
Do we continually
nag and focus on the changes we think family members should make, or do we make
a sincere effort to express appreciation for their good efforts?
Brethren Should
Express Praise and Appreciation.
==============================
Notice examples
in which Paul expressed appreciation and mentioned specific qualities for which
he was grateful in those Christians to whom he wrote.
Romans 1:8 – I
thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, that your faith is spoken of
throughout the whole world.
Ephesians 1:15,16
– Therefore I also, after I heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love
for all the saints, do not cease to give thanks for you, making mention of you
in my prayers:
Philippians 1:3-5
– I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine
making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel...
Colossians 1:3,4
– We give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, praying always
for you, since we heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of your love for all
the saints.
1 Thessalonians
1:2,3 – We give thanks to God always for you all, making mention of you in our
prayers, remembering without ceasing your work of faith, labor of love, and
patience of hope.
In addition, Paul
often mentioned specific individuals and expressed appreciation for their work
(see Romans 16). Even in letters in which Paul rebuked churches for their
problems, he always made a point of expressing appreciation for their good
qualities where he could.
(1 Thessalonians
5:12,13; 1 Timothy 5:17)
But Scripture
Also Warns Against Too Strongly Desiring Praises from Other People.
==========================================
Galatians 1:10 –
For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still
pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.
Matthew 10:34-37
– Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring
peace but a sword. For I have come to "set a man against his father, a
daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her
mother-in-law"; and "a man's enemies will be those of his own
household." s He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of
Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.
Sometimes people
seek to resolve conflict with loved ones by compromising the will of God.
Others may even pressure us to do what they want to please them. We must always
remember that our primary motivation must be to do the will of God and receive
his praise.
So, on the one
hand Scripture does teach us to give appreciation to others for their efforts
to do right. However, Scripture also warns us not to over emphasize receiving
appreciation from others. Our main goal in life must be to please God, not
people. If others do not appreciate us as they should, we must not use this as
an excuse but must serve God faithfully anyway.
(John 12:42,43;
5:44; Matthew 6:1-18; 23:5; 2 Corinthians 10:12,18; 1 Thessalonians 2:4; Acts
4:19; 5:29)
IV. Always Speak
and Act in Love.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Love is
fundamental in resolving conflicts. God requires love in all human relationships.
Family members
should always act in love for one another (Ephesians 5:25,28,29; Titus 2:4).
Brethren should
always love one another (John 13:34,35; 15:12-17; Ephesians 4:2,31-5:2;
Philippians 2:2,3; Hebrews 13:1; 2 Peter 1:5-7; 1 John 2:7-11; 3:10-18,23;
4:8-5:3).
Love Is Concern
for the Wellbeing of Others.
===========================
1 John 4:8-11
(Ephesians 5:25,28,29) – God demonstrated His love in the sacrifice of Christ.
New Testament teaching about love is ultimately based on the example of the
sacrifice of Jesus. He loved us so much He gave His life so we could be saved.
This teaches us the meaning of the love we should have for others. Love
requires us always to do what is best for others. (1 John 3:16; John 13:34;
15:12; Ephesians 5:2; Matthew 5:44,45)
1 Corinthians
13:5 – Love is not selfish.
Romans 13:10 –
Love works no harm to its neighbor.
Until we learn to
overcome selfishness and love others like Jesus loves us, we will never
understand the best way to resolve differences.
Love Is a Choice
of the Will.
=================
Biblical love is
not fundamentally a feeling or emotion. It is a choice. Feelings or emotions
may follow, but love begins with an act of the will.
Love is a
command.
****************
Matthew 22:37-39
– Love for God and for others are the greatest commands. Love can be commanded
because it is a matter of the will. We can choose whether or not to love, just
like we choose whether or not to obey any other command.
Some think love
just happens: you "fall in love" or out of love. Some couples give up
on their marriage because they "just don’t love one another anymore."
This view makes us victims of circumstances, so we are not in control.
When we realize
we can choose to love, then we can put love into a relationship.
*****************************************************
And if we fail to
put it in, we sin.
Romans 5:6-8 – Christ
loved us while we were yet sinners, not because we were so lovable that He
couldn’t help Himself. He chose to do what we needed done. Just as Christ
initiated love toward us when we were not acting lovingly, so it is our
responsibility to initiate love.
Luke 6:27,28 – We
are commanded to love our enemies. How do you love an enemy? Not by falling
uncontrollably into love, but by choosing to do what is best for them.
In marriage the
statement "I just don’t love her/him any more" is a confession of
sin! The same is true in any other relationship. If we do not have love, we
must repent as an act of the will!
Proper love can
help avoid many conflicts. But when serious conflicts come, resolving them
requires everyone involved to choose to show love.
Love Must Be
Expressed in Words and in Deed.
=============================
Love should be
expressed in what we say.
**********************************
Ephesians 4:15 –
We must speak the truth in love. This is especially important in times of
conflict. We must be sure we always speak for the good of all concerned. And we
should reassure one another that we really do care about one another.
John 3:16;
Ephesians 5:2; 1 John 3:8-11; Romans 5:6-9 – God’s word repeatedly states His
love for us. Likewise, we should be willing to express in words our care and
concern for others.
Do not wait for
an overwhelming "feeling" to move you. Since love is a choice of the
will, we can choose at any time to state that love. And our speech must always
be guided by love.
Love should be
expressed in what we do.
**********************************
1 John 5:2,3 –
Love for others requires us to love God and keep His commands. Keeping God’s commands
is loving God.
1 John 3:18 – We
must love, not just in words, but in deed and in truth. This is a vital
principle in every relationship. We ought to say loving things, but that alone
is not enough. We must act in love. Whatever we do and say must be directed by
God’s will, motivated by love.
Far too often in
times of conflict, we seek our own will, our own advantage, a victory at the
expense of others.
(Luke 10:25-37;
6:27,28; John 14:15,21-24,31; Romans 13:8-10; Galatians 5:6; Hebrews 10:24; 1
John 2:3-6,15-17; 5:2,3; 2 John 5,6; Revelation 3:19)
It follows that
continual angry quarreling, strife, insults, yelling, slander, and vengeful
speech are unloving, unhelpful, and sinful.
*****************************************************
As with many
other Bible subjects, contending, striving, and disputing can be right or wrong
depending on our motive, our manner, and whether we are contending for the
truth of God’s word (Jude 3) or for our own personal desires and self will.
Proverbs 6:16-19
– God hates one who sows discord among brethren.
Proverbs 3:30 –
Do not strive with a man without cause, if he has done you no harm. (Note the
implication that we may have proper cause to strive with someone who has caused
harm.)
Proverbs 18:19 –
A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are
like the bars of a castle.
Proverbs 19:13 –
The contentions of a wife are a continual dripping.
Proverbs 26:21 –
As charcoal is to burning coals, and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to
kindle strife.
Romans 1:29,32 –
Those who practice or approve of strife, malice, etc. are worthy of death.
Romans 13:13 –
Let us walk properly ... not in strife and envy.
1 Corinthians
3:3,4 – For where there are envy, strife, and divisions among you, are you not
carnal and behaving like mere men? (When Christians fuss about exalting people,
that is strife and division that God forbids.) (1 Corinthians 1:10-13)
Galatians
5:15,20,21 – But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be
consumed by one another! ... contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath,
selfish ambitions, dissensions ... those who practice such things will not
inherit the kingdom of God.
1 Timothy 1:4 –
Do not give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which cause disputes rather
than godly edification which is in faith. (Note the implication that we should
contend for views that do cause godly edification in the faith.)
James 3:16-18 –
For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are
there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle,
willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without
hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make
peace.
James 4:1,2 –
Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your
desires for pleasure that war in your members?
3 John 9,10 –
Diotrephes loved to have preeminence, prating against John with malicious words
and putting some out of the church.
Ephesians 4:29 –
Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary
edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
1 Corinthians
13:5 – Love does not seek its own.
This is why love
is so important in resolving conflict. Truly solving problems requires seeking
the edification and welfare of others, not just to get our own way in order
please ourselves.
(Proverbs 10:12;
13:10; 16:28; 17:1,14; 18:6; 20:3; 22:10; 26:20; 28:25; 1 Timothy 6:3-5; 2
Timothy 2:14; 2 Timothy 2:23-25; Titus 3:9; 2 Corinthians 12:20)
Love Requires
Giving and Self-sacrifice.
========================
Giving of self is
the essence of love.
*****************************
Ephesians 5:25 –
Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it.
John 3:16 – God
so loved the world that He gave His only-begotten Son.
1 John 3:14-18 –
If you see your brother in need and don’t give what is needed, you don’t have
love. Surely this applies in the home or the church. If I see my spouse, child,
or brother in need and don’t give what is needed, I do not have love. (Notice
that says "need," not "want.")
Romans 12:20 –
Even loving your enemy requires giving food and drink when needed.
Note that this
also requires giving our time and effort for the good of the other person. Many
homes and churches face serious problems because people are too busy doing
other things – maybe even useful things – to develop and maintain good
relationships with one another.
Families and
brethren must determine to take time for one another. This is a requirement of
love, and love is a Divine command. If you are too busy to spend some time
regularly with your family and the church, you need to rearrange your schedule!
A basic
requirement in solving disagreements is a willingness to give of ourselves for
the good of others.
*****************************************************
In times of
conflict, each party typically refuses to change because he/she is upset at
something the other person did. If we would view the situation honestly and
objectively (as if it were someone else’s problem), we might see that changing
would help. But we refuse to admit our error or change because of something we
dislike in others.
The fundamental
lesson of Christ’s love is that we should give up our desires for the good of
others even when they are not acting like we think they should. Don’t say,
"I’ll change if he/she will too." If an act would be helpful, do it
regardless of what they do. If we have been wrong, admit it regardless of
whether or not they admit their errors.
Even if we are
convinced we are not the root cause of a problem, we should ask ourselves
honestly what we can do to help improve it. This does not mean ignoring sin.
Jesus never committed or compromised with sin, but He did sacrifice Himself to
provide a solution to the problem we caused. He did not just sit back and
criticize us for our sin, but He became involved to provide a solution. He did
not do everything for us, but He made sure we had a way whereby we could
overcome the problem.
A mistake I often
made early in our marriage was to just criticize without offering help in
solving the problem: "Here’s the problem and I expect you to solve
it." Is that helpful? Instead think, "What can I offer to do – how
can I become involved – so as to help resolve this problem?" Instead of
saying, "Why don’t you do this?" say, "Why don’t you and I work
on this together?"
As long as
neither party will take the first step to give up what they want, strife will
continue. When one is willing to give in for the good of the group, then a
start has been made toward resolving the problem. When both are willing to give
in for the good of the group, then the solution definitely will be found.
Love is essential
to avoiding and solving conflict.
V. Discuss the
Problem
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A. Be Willing to
Discuss.
===============
Sometimes one
party or both parties in a dispute refuse to talk.
Solving problems
requires being willing to discuss.
*****************************************
Proverbs 1:5 – A
wise man will hear and increase learning.
Proverbs 12:15 –
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise.
Proverbs 10:17 –
He who keeps instruction is in the way of life, but he who refuses correction
goes astray.
James 1:19 –
Every man should be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
When a person
refuses to discuss a problem, he is implying that he needs no advice, or that
he already has all the answers and no one can have a better way. Such an
attitude is arrogant.
(Proverbs 15:22;
19:20,21; 15:31,32; 13:18)
Specifically,
husbands and wives should discuss problems and needs.
*****************************************************
Ephesians 5:25ff
– The husband is head of the wife as Jesus is head of the church. But God listens
to our requests in prayer (Philippians 4:6,7).
Ephesians 5:28,29
– The husband should love his wife as he does his own body, but the body
communicates its needs so the head can make decisions according to what is
best.
1 Peter 3:7 – The
husband should treat his wife with understanding. But since men are not mind
readers, this requires listening to the wife’s views.
When a man is
unwilling to discuss with his wife about decisions that affect her, he shows a
general misunderstanding of Scripture. But when serious problems exist in the
home, that approach can be even more dangerous. Serious problems can be
resolved only when both spouses are willing to communicate about the problem.
(Matthew 7:12)
If sin is
involved, both parties are commanded to discuss.
***********************************************
Luke 17:3,4 – The
one who believes the other has sinned, must rebuke him.
Matthew 5:23,24 –
One who has been accused of sin must be willing to seek reconciliation.
Leviticus
19:17,18 – You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely
rebuke ["reason frankly with" – ESV] your neighbor, and not bear sin
because of him.
Note that the
person who believes he has been wronged and the person who is accused of doing
wrong are both obligated to discuss the matter. If conflict is to be resolved,
it must begin by discussion. "Clamming up" is not an option.
This does not
mean that matters must be discussed endlessly. Later we will consider steps to
bring a problem to a conclusion. But finding a solution must begin by
discussing.
Proper timing and
circumstances are also important. Avoid discussing in front of uninvolved
parties or when one is extremely angry. Nevertheless, don’t just "clam
up" or stalk out of the room and refuse to discuss. Instead, say,
"Let’s discuss that in private." Or agree to discuss the matter later
and set a time when you will discuss it. Make an appointment and keep it!
(Matthew 18:15;
Galatians 6:1; Proverbs 27:5,6; 10:17; 13:18; 15:31,32; 29:1; 25:12; 9:8; 12:1)
B. Speak to
Resolve the Problem, Not to Hurt One Another.
====================================
Matthew 5:24 –
The goal is to be reconciled, not to hurt people. Many are willing to talk for
the purpose of getting their way, raking other people over the coals, winning a
victory, or proving the other person wrong. The purpose ought to be to find a
Scriptural resolution.
Romans
12:17,19-21 – Don’t repay evil for evil or seek vengeance but return good for
evil. Sometimes people start out trying to resolve a problem, but one insults
the other, then the other returns an insult. Soon the goal becomes to see who
can hurt the other person worst.
Too many
discussions end up being quarrels, because we let the problem become an
occasion to attack one another. Instead, we should work together to attack the
problem. Discuss to solve the problem, not to hurt one another’s feelings.
Suggestion:
Introduce the specific problem objectively, then maintain focus on the problem.
"There’s a problem we need to talk about..." Don’t enlarge the
problem to attack the character of the other person. Avoid: "You’re just
selfish, that’s all," or "Why can’t you be like so-and-so?" or
"You’re just like your mother!" or "Why do you always have to
...?"
C. Listen to
Other Viewpoints.
==================
A
"discussion" requires both listening and talking. In practice,
however, many people only want to express their own views and expect everyone
to listen to them.
James 1:19 – Let
every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Don’t enter the
discussion assuming the other person has no valid reasons to consider. We
should be quickly willing to listen and slow to present our views, especially
when we are angry.
Suggestion: Begin
the discussion by asking the other party to explain his/her view. Do not assume
you know their view. Ask questions to help you understand. "Could you
explain why you did it that way?" "Have you considered doing it like
this?" Maybe they have considered your idea and have some valid reasons
for preferring another approach.
Do not dominate
the discussion. Let the other person express his/her views. Do you appreciate
it when others just attack your views but refuse to listen to what you have to
say? "Love your neighbor as yourself," and practice the golden rule
(Matthew 7:12).
D. Honestly
Discuss the Evidence.
=====================
John 7:24 –
"Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous
judgment."
Honestly seek to
learn the facts of what happened.
******************************************
Maybe the other
person did not do what you thought they did. Maybe they have reasons that you
have not considered.
Matthew 18:16 –
By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established (Acts
24:13). Do not consider others guilty of wrongdoing until the evidence is
clear. Do not condemn on the basis of opinions and flimsy appearances for which
you would not want be condemned.
Present evidence
for your view. Don’t just make charges and accusations. Don’t jump to
conclusions or assign motives. If you don’t have proof, then ask questions. But
don’t make accusations unless you have proof. Prove what you say or else don’t
say it!
Volume does not
constitute proof.
****************************
Sometimes one or
both parties will try to get his/her way by talking loudly, talking endlessly,
bringing a matter up over and over and over, or repeatedly interrupting others.
The result amounts to intimidation, browbeating, bullying, or nagging. It is an
attempt to wear other people down, frighten them, or make them miserable till
they give in.
Matthew 6:7 –
Some people "think they will be heard for their many words." God does
not grant such requests, so why should we?
Proverbs 21:9;
19:13 – It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared
with a contentious woman. A form of Chinese torture was to have drops of water
repeatedly drip on a man’s forehead. That is how Scripture describes nagging.
Proverbs 10:19 –
In the multitude of words sin is not lacking; he who restrains his lips is
wise.
Just because you
can talk longer and louder than others does not prove you are right! All
parties must be willing to listen and to speak honestly to resolve the problem.
(Proverbs 20:3;
21:19; 17:27)
E. Read and
Discuss Scripture as Your Authority.
==============================
Appeal to the
Bible and examine it together whenever we believe sin is involved.
1 John 3:4 – Sin
is transgression of God’s law. God’s laws are revealed in Scripture (2 Timothy
3:16,17). So we establish what is right or wrong by appealing to Scripture.
Matthew 4:4,7,10
– When disputing with Satan, Jesus cited Scripture.
Matthew 19:4-6 –
When debating about divorce and remarriage, Jesus quoted Scripture.
Matthew 22:29,32
– When disputing with the Sadducees, Jesus said they were mistaken because they
did not know the Scriptures. Then He cited specific Scripture for His belief.
Ephesians 6:17 –
The sword of the Spirit is the word of God.
Romans 10:17 –
Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.
The Scriptures
are God’s standard to determine truth and to persuade other people to believe
it. In any conflict about what is or is not sinful, who is or is not guilty, we
must always base our appeal on Scripture. Open the Bible and read it together.
(Acts 15:13-18;
17:2,3)
E. Honestly
Examine Your Own Conduct, Motives, Etc.
=================================
Consider honestly
the possibility that you may have been wrong, or that you may at least have
contributed to the problem. Do not just find fault with others. Perhaps you can
improve.
Genesis 3:12,13 –
When the first couple sinned, the man blamed the woman and the woman blamed the
serpent. Both had been wrong, but neither was willing to admit wrong. Even when
we are guilty, we want others to bear or share the blame: "Look what
he/she did!"
Proverbs 28:13 –
He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes
them will have mercy. When serious problems exist, almost invariably there is
sin, but the guilty one(s) refuses to admit it, blames others, rationalizes,
etc.
Pride keeps us
from admitting guilt. Most people can think of lots of applications to others,
but what about you? (It is interesting how many people, after beginning this
study, say their spouse really needs this material! It may be said in humor,
but are we examining ourselves?)
Honesty and
humility lead us to seek the truth and admit our errors. And remember, even if
we are not convinced we caused a problem, love leads us to get involved and
help solve it.
(2 Corinthians
13:5; 1 Thessalonians 5:21; Psalm 32:3,5; Galatians 6:1)
F. Be Patient and
Control Your Temper.
========================
1 Corinthians
13:4 – Love is patient. Often we become frustrated when a matter is not quickly
resolved. Some solutions require many discussions and gradual improvement.
Don’t give up. Don’t expect people to change overnight. Give it time.
Proverbs 18:13 –
To answer a matter before we have heard it is foolish. Sometimes we are ready
to judge a matter before we have thought it through. Don’t make snap decisions.
Don’t expect
complete solutions the first time a matter is discussed. Take time for everyone
to think things through. If initial discussion doesn’t lead to a solution, ask
for time to think about it. Make another appointment to discuss again later.
You are more likely to reach a rational conclusion, and others will know you
have taken the matter seriously.
Proverbs 15:1 – A
soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Don’t allow
anger to cloud your objectivity so you resort to hurting the other person.
Anger is not necessarily sinful, but it must be controlled so it does not lead
us into sin.
(Romans 2:7;
Galatians 6:7-9; 2 Thessalonians 3:5; Ephesians 4:26; James 1:19,20)
VI. Follow God’s
Pattern for Reconciling Alienation.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The goal is, not
to talk endlessly nor simply to vent frustrations, but to resolve the problem.
You should seek to determine a plan of action whereby the problem ceases to
alienate you.
All disagreements
fall into one or the other of two categories:
(1) Differences
that involve no sin
(2) Problems that
do involve sin
Both involve
Bible principles, but the second is of greatest consequence.
A. Overlook or
Compromise Differences that Involve No Sin.
====================================
These can be
discussed under two categories:
Overlook
differences that are of little consequence.
******************************************
Each of us
dislikes characteristics in others that may not be sinful. Either they cannot
be changed, or it is not worth the trouble it would cause to try to change
them.
Scriptures
~~~~~~
1 Corinthians
13:4,5 – Love suffers long and is kind. Love is not selfish.
Ephesians 4:2,3 –
We should be longsuffering and bear with one another.
Proverbs 17:1 –
Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with
strife.
Proverbs 17:14 –
The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention
before a quarrel starts.
Proverbs 29:11 –
A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. Some people
brag, "I say just what I think." Apparently they do not realize some
things are better left unsaid.
Applications
~~~~~~~
We should learn
to overlook these differences without bitterness. Sin must not be overlooked,
but if there is no sin and others do things we just don’t like, then love will
not push personal desires to the point of alienation.
"Research
has shown that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of
‘incompatibility’ or disagreement that they will never resolve ... If we switch
partners, we’ll just get ten new areas of disagreement." – Diane Sollee of
SmartMarriages.com, Eagle Forum Report, 3/2017
Note carefully:
this research describes happy, successful couples. Yet they average ten areas
of disagreement that they have never resolved and never will resolve.
Some couples
allow such matters to make them so unhappy they divorce. But they would just
have different problems with somebody else.
Some family
members and some brethren fuss, quarrel, nag, and insult one another repeatedly
over differences that are not sinful, but they are just determined to get their
own way.
So why are some
couples happy and successful? It is not because they have resolved all the
differences, but because they have determined simply to overlook some
differences! Some characteristics and some differences are just not important
enough to cause conflict about.
Compromise more
serious differences that are not sinful.
**********************************************
It is true we
must not compromise with sin. But not all differences are matters of sin.
Scriptures
~~~~~~
James 3:17 –
Wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable and willing to yield.
Christians want peace, especially in their families and in the church. Purity
must come first – we do not overlook sin. But when a matter is not sinful, seek
a peaceable resolution that avoids conflict, even if we have to give up our own
desires to achieve it.
Genesis 13:5-9 –
Strife occurred between the herdsmen of Abraham and those of his nephew Lot
because the land was not able to sustain their large flocks. Instead of
insisting on his own way, Abraham sought peace because they were brothers. They
achieved peace by separating.
Genesis 26:19-22
– Water was essential in Palestine, especially for those with large flocks.
When his herdsmen quarreled with other people about water, Isaac just dug
another well, then still another well. Finally, he moved a distance away and
dug another well. That achieved peace.
Acts 15:36-40 –
Paul and Barnabas had a "sharp disagreement" about whether or not to
take Mark on their second trip after he had deserted them on the first trip.
They solved the disagreement by a compromise: they separated. Barnabas took
Mark, and Paul took Silas. There is no evidence here or elsewhere that either
Paul or Barnabas sinned.
Proverbs 20:3 –
It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel.
(Matthew 5:9;
Romans 12:17-21; 1 Peter 3:11)
Applications
~~~~~~~~
Refusing to
compromise for the sake of peace in matters that are not sinful can be wrong
just as surely as compromising with matters that really are sinful.
"Choose your
battles." Don’t make an issue over everything that irritates you. Decide
how serious the issue really is. Is it sinful? Is it worth conflict and
disagreement? Some matters should simply be dropped. Others may be discussed
but resolved by compromise.
Be willing to
compromise – give and take. Seek a middle-ground solution. "I’ll give in
here, if you’ll give in there." Or, "Let’s do it your way this time, and
then next time we’ll do it my way." We must not compromise regarding sin.
But simple differences of view are another matter.
Perhaps, in some
matter, you will end up each going separate ways and doing separate things.
Our family used
to have conflict over what movie to watch on family nights or where we should
eat on trips. We found the solution: take turns. This time it is one person’s
turn, next time another person’s turn, etc. There is no arguing. Each person
knows he/she will get his turn but will also have to agree without fussing when
it is someone else’s turn.
However, if one
has been guilty of sin, then another approach must be taken.
B. Repent of Sin.
==========
I emphasize that
God has a pattern for reconciling sin just as surely as He does for salvation,
worship, church organization and work, etc.! We have no more right to ignore or
disobey this pattern than we do any other.
Start by
examining yourself.
***********************
Before you blame
others for a problem, consider your own conduct.
2 Corinthians
13:5 – Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Prove yourselves.
In matters that may be sinful, we are obligated before God to consider our own
guilt. Remember, guilt is determined by Scripture, not by our opinions or those
of others.
Matthew 7:3-5 –
Do not just consider the speck in another person’s eye, but first remove the
plank from your own eye.
Most of us are
experts at minimizing our errors while maximizing the "errors" of
others. "Well, maybe I did make a mistake, but look what you did!" My
errors are "mistakes," but yours are big, black sins!
This is true in
the church, but it is also true – and sometimes a bigger problem – in the home.
Recognize your
errors and humbly determine to change.
**********************************************
Acts 8:22 – Those
who have sinned are commanded to repent and pray for forgiveness.
2 Corinthians
7:10 – Godly sorrow works repentance unto salvation. Repentance is a decision
and commitment to change. We must recognize we have been wrong and agree to do
right. If sin is the cause of our problems, we will never correct the problem
until we repent.
One of the first
steps each of us must learn in solving conflicts is to recognize and admit
where we have been wrong. "Clean your own slate first," then you can
help others with any corrections they need to make.
(Luke 13:3; Acts
17:30; 2 Peter 3:9)
C. Acknowledge
Our Sin (Confess It).
=======================
Scriptures
********
Luke 17:3,4 – If
we have sinned, we must say, "I repent" (or words that mean that).
Sometimes we realize we were wrong, but we are too proud to admit it. Until we
do so, those whom we have wronged cannot know we have repented.
Matthew 5:23,24 –
When we have wronged someone, we must go to them and make it right, or God will
not accept our worship. Note it: God does not accept my worship if I refuse to
correct the wrongs I have done to others. Have you made right the wrongs you
have done?
James 5:16 – We
must confess our sins one to another. Sometimes we think admitting error will
cause people to lose respect for us. This is simply pride. But love is not
puffed up (1 Corinthians 13:4).
Or we think
others are as much or more to blame, so we expect them to admit their error
before we will admit ours. But God commands us to admit and confess our sins,
whether or not others ever admit sin. Is it really worth it to persist in your
stubborn pride when the result is that you stand guilty before your Creator and
will give account in the day of judgment?
Proverbs 28:13 –
He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes
them will have mercy.
Applications
*********
Don’t say,
"I’ll apologize if he/she will." I have seen cases where people in
obvious sin would grudgingly admit error only if everybody else – or at least
somebody else – would apologize too. They think they can save face, because
other people had to admit error. If I "repent" only on condition that
other people repent, is that real repentance?
My confession
must come from repentance, and my repentance must come from godly sorrow. If I
am truly sorry, then I must repent and confess whether or not anyone else does.
If I sinned, God commands me to say, "I repent" – no conditions on
what others do.
If I don’t repent
and confess, I remain in sin. If I refuse to repent because other people refuse
to repent, then I am allowing myself to remain in sin because other people
remain in sin! If I really am sorry and repent, others will not need to drag an
apology from me or bargain with me. I will willingly be the first to apologize!
Confessions
should be specific and clearly stated. Don’t minimize, make excuses, blame
shift, or recriminate. Even if you are convinced others are wrong too, honestly
admit your own error and correct it. Don’t try to save face.
Don’t demand that
other people forgive you. Don’t instruct them on how they ought to treat you.
Just humbly apologize. Then later, perhaps at some other time, discuss the
errors you believe they need to correct.
D. Pray for
Forgiveness.
===============
Acts 8:22 – Peter
told Simon to repent and pray for forgiveness. If we have sinned, we must
confess, not just to others, but also to God.
1 John 1:9 – He
is faithful to forgive us if we confess our sins.
Some of us are
too proud even to admit our sins to God! God says to confess our sins or we
remain in sin! When you have sinned, do you humbly confess it to God and to
those you hurt?
(Matthew 6:12;
Psalm 32:5; Proverbs 28:13)
E. Forgive One
Another.
===============
Scriptures
********
Luke 17:3,4 –
When one has sinned against us and confesses, we must forgive, even seven times
a day if necessary. Love forgives as often as is needed.
Matthew 18:21-35
adds that we must forgive 70 times 7 – i.e., without limit.
Matthew
6:12,14,15 – If we refuse to forgive others, God will simply not forgive us.
These principles apply whether we are talking about someone in the church or in
the family.
Applications
**********
Colossians 3:13 –
We must forgive the way God forgives. How does God forgive us?
Do not limit what
kind of sin or how many times we must forgive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does God say,
"I don’t care how sorry you are or how hard you try, I won’t
forgive"? "I’ve forgiven you enough already." Or "I won’t
forgive stealing or adultery or murder."
Time and again I
have seen couples that have fought so long that one of them decides he or she
will not forgive again, no matter what the spouse does or says. They may grieve
for years about some error their spouse committed. Finally, the spouse humbly
apologizes and asks forgiveness and they say, "I have put up with this so
long, I just can’t forgive him/her."
Do not bring up a
forgiven transgression as a weapon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people keep
reminding a person of his errors even after he has repented and confessed.
Sometimes they drag out old sins to make the other person feel guilty so he
will give in about some current disagreement. When God forgives, does He keep
bringing it up to condemn us?
Illustration:
When Indian tribes made peace, they would symbolize it by burying a hatchet
(tomahawk). The point was that everybody knew where it was, but nobody would
dig it up and use it to hurt the others. So forgiveness does not mean we are no
longer aware the thing happened. It means we will not bring it up again to hurt
the other person with it.
Proverbs 10:12 –
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.
Note: Give a
specific verbal assurance of forgiveness. The confession should be clearly
stated and the forgiveness should be clearly stated so no one is left in doubt.
Do you love God
and others enough to admit your errors and then to really forgive like you want
God to forgive you?
(Matthew 5:7)
F. Seek Help (If
Necessary)
=================
If we really love
God and one another, the steps we have described will resolve most serious
conflicts in the church and in the home. But what if there clearly is sin and
the above procedure has been tried, but the problem remains? The Bible tells us
to get help from other Christians.
Seek help from
one or two faithful Christians.
*************************************
Galatians 6:2 –
Bear one another’s burdens. Our first source of help should be other
Christians. Some are proud and embarrassed to have others find out about their
problems, but one of the first steps to overcoming a problem is to admit we
have it.
James 5:16 –
Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another. Sometimes other
Christians have had experience dealing with a problem and can give the
Scripture or application that we need. Surely they can pray for us.
Sometimes, if
they seek help at all, Christians will go to a counselor or psychiatrist who is
not even a true Christian. Such counselors often complicate problems instead of
solving them. In any case, if the problem is sin, who can help solve it better
than other Christians?
Follow Matthew
18:15-17.
*********************
If your brother
sins against you, first discuss it privately with him. But if this does not
resolve it, get help. Take one or two other Christians with you.
We would hope
that the help of one or two other Christians would solve the problem; but if it
does not, then the Bible says to take the matter before the congregation.
Perhaps the involvement of the whole church will bring the guilty party to his
senses.
If even this does
not solve the problem, then the one who is clearly in sin must be withdrawn
from. (2 Thessalonians 3:15; 1 Corinthians 5; etc.)
This discusses
cases where one Christian sins against another. Many think this passage applies
to disputes in the church but not in the home. Why not? Where does this, or
similar passages, exclude family members from the application? Most of the
Scriptures we have cited in this study have been general in application, not
specifically regarding the family, yet we can all see they would apply to the
family. Why is that not the case with this verse? (Compare 1 Corinthians
6:1-11.)
This is not to
say we should run to the church with every personal problem. Nor should we be
quick to pursue such a course. We should be patient and give abundant
opportunity for correction before such measures. But if sin is clearly involved
and private efforts do not lead to repentance, God gives a pattern for
proceeding. In far too many cases, sin continues in the church and in our homes
because we are too proud or too foolish to pursue the Scriptural course for
seeking help.
G. Develop and
Carry Out a Plan to Correct the Problem.
===================================
Many problems in
the church or home are deep-rooted. Some people confess a sin over and over, then
they go back and commit the same sin again and again. They never change because
they never make a plan for changing. They seem to think that all they need to
do is to admit the wrong from time to time and people should overlook it
without requiring specific commitment regarding how the person intends to
change.
Proverbs 28:13 –
He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes
them will have mercy. No matter how often we confess a problem, it is not truly
resolved until we determine to change our conduct!
Matthew 21:28-31
– Jesus described a son who did not do what his father said. When he repented,
he had to do what he failed to do. When we repent of wrongs, we must work to
make sure they are not repeated. For longstanding habits, change will require
planning and effort.
Acts 26:20 – One
who repents must bring forth "fruits of repentance" or do "works
worthy of repentance" (Luke 3:8-14; Matthew 3:8). This includes making
sure that we do not repeat the wrong in the future. But it also includes doing
what we can to overcome the harm caused by our wrong deeds of the past.
When people have
longstanding and deepseated problems, resolution should include a mutual
agreement about what they specifically intend to do differently in the future
to change the conduct. They need a specific program or plan of action, perhaps
even one written down.
Future courses of
action should be discussed and agreements should include exactly what each
person will do differently in the future. Preferably, these should be stated in
a way that it will be evident when the changes are (or are not) being carried
out. Specific commitments or promises should be made to carry out these
actions.
James 5:12 – Let
your "Yes," be "Yes," and your "No,"
"No." When we make commitments to one another, we must mean what we
say and then must carry out our commitments. We must make the changes we
promised to make and fulfill the plan of action we agreed upon.
(Compare
Ephesians 4:25-32; Matthew 12:43-45; Ezekiel 33:14,15; 1 Samuel 12:3; Philemon
10-14,18,19; Luke 19:8; Romans 1:31,32; 2 Corinthians 8:11.)
Conclusion
=======
We might think
that the church and the home would be the relationships in which people would
most love and care for one another. But I am convinced that many people will be
lost because of their treatment of their spouses, children, and brethren.
But the
Scriptures provide us to all good works, including how to solve conflicts. There
is no need for Christians to live year after year with serious alienation in
their homes or in the church. There is hope for troubled relationships. We can
solve our problems God’s way.
What about your
relationship with your family and with your brethren? Do you need to make
changes? Do you need to begin by receiving forgiveness of your sins and
becoming a child of God? If you have done that, are you living faithfully in
all your relationships?
(C) Copyright 2018, David E. Pratte You are free to keep copies of this material on computer and/or in printed form for your own further study. If you have any other requests about the use of this material, please read our copyright guidelines at www.gospelway.com/copyrite.htm. Free Bible Study Lessons, Commentaries, and Workbooks
