The
answer is that parents must motivate the child to obey. Whatever reasons they
have for not obeying, we must give them stronger reasons to obey! This is done
by rewards and punishments. When the child obeys, we make him glad by giving
him a pleasant experience. When he disobeys, we make him sorry by giving an
unpleasant experience. He eventually learns it is to his advantage to obey.
Consider how these principles can be used in training children.
I. Spanking
>>>>>>>
Many
child-rearing "authorities" oppose the use of spanking. Psychologist
Linda Budd wrote that, if you spank your child, you should, "Apologize.
Own up to your mistake" (via Greg Gwin, Good News, 5/28/95).
A. Spanking Is Taught in the Bible.
=====================
God's word commands parents to use spanking when needed.
***************************************************
Proverbs
22:15 - Foolishness is bound in a child's heart, but the rod drives it from
him. Children naturally tend to do bad things at times. Parents must exercise
authority and give their children rules. But all children, at times, will test
those limits. Then punishment is needed to "restrain" them.
Proverbs
19:18 - Chasten the son while there is still hope. This is for his good.
Children must be taught obedience while they are young, even before their
reasoning ability matures. If you wait till later, they may be past
"hope." [See also Prov. 29:15; 23:13.]
Proverbs
13:24 - One who does not spank his son, when it is needed, hates his son. One
who loves his son will chasten him. God says spanking is not an act of hatred.
On the contrary, properly done, spanking is an act of love, and those who deny
the value of spanking are the ones who God says hate children.
The
issue of spanking boils down to an issue of the authority of God and the
inspiration of the Bible. A psychologist may question my intelligence. But when
he challenges spanking, he is disagreeing, not with me, but with God. And God
is smarter than all the psychologists put together!
Spanking is compared to God's punishment of his people - Hebrews
12:5-11.
*****************************************************
God
Himself compares His chastisement of people to earthly fathers who chasten
their sons. God says that all fathers will chasten their children; otherwise it
indicates that the child is illegitimate (vv 6-8)!
Further,
this chastening is an act of love, not hatred (v6), because it results in good
for the child (vv 10,11). Some claim that punishing children produces
resentment and misunderstanding, causing them to hate and disrespect their
parents. But God says that discipline leads the child to respect the father
(v9).
It
follows that, if parents should not punish children, then God should not punish
evil men. But He does punish evil men, and no one is wiser than He is. He is
our perfect example of a good Father.
Finally,
note that this is a New Testament Scripture. Some people question our use of
Old Testament Scripture on this subject; but here is a New Testament Scripture
that teaches the same thing. In fact, vv 5,6 quote Proverbs 3:11f. God's
teaching on this matter is the same today as it was in the Old Testament!
People
who deny the value of spanking, therefore, are denying the wisdom and authority
of God Himself. Some don't know this; others do it knowingly. But regardless,
to oppose spanking is to directly attack the inspiration of the Bible and the
infallibility of God. Parents must understand and appreciate the value of
spanking, regardless of what any human "authority" may claim.
[Cf.
Rev. 3:19; Deut. 8:5; 28:15; Ex. 7-12; 2 Thess. 1:8-10; etc.]
B. Spanking Works Where Other Methods Fail.
============================
People who deny the value of spanking, offer no workable
alternatives.
Some authorities say to "reason" with the child till he
agrees.
**************************************************
"Intelligent
parents rarely resort to corporal punishment ... An intelligent disciplinary
method is the use of reasoning at the child's level of understanding..." -
Growing Superior Children, pp. 452 (via Plain Truth about Child Rearing, p.
26). My translation: "Spanking proves you lack intelligence. If you were
smart enough, you could talk them into obeying!"
This
statement flatly denies Bible teaching. Reasoning with children is important
and should not be neglected, but it has limits. Often immediate obedience is
needed, as when a child is playing in the street and a car is coming! Some
children are too young and inexperienced to understand the wisdom of the
parents' reasons. And often the child is just too stubborn and self-willed to
listen. In such cases, no amount of reasoning will change him.
Dr.
Dobson (DTD, pp. 18ff) tells of a young mother who had been taught to reason
her child into obedience. When she put her three-year-old son in his crib, he
spat in her face. When she tried to reason with him, he repeated it. She
finally fled the room as he spat on the back of the door! She said she could
never control him after that; as a teenager he rebelled against every request
she made.
We need
to reason with our children as part of our instruction. But there are times
when every child determines to have his own way, and no amount of reasoning
will convince him. The result becomes a war of attrition, in which the child
will continue arguing till he wears you down. He must be taught that
"crime does not pay." Pain works wonders.
Again, some suggest that we just "control the child's
environment."
*****************************************************
We are
told to not make demands and children won't rebel. Just remove all temptation
and give the children recreation and interesting toys; then they will never
want to do bad things. My translation: "Just let the kid have his own way,
and there will be no conflicts."
Again,
there is value in keeping temptation out of the child's way. But to deny the
value of spanking simply contradicts the Bible, and experience shows that it
simply does not work.
Matthew
16:24 - To be a follower of Jesus we must learn to deny and control ourselves.
The child who is given everything he wants never learns self-sacrifice and
self-denial. He becomes self-centered and thinks the world must always adapt to
him and give him what he wants. As he grows up, his demands become bigger and
bigger, till finally his parents cannot satisfy his demands. His environment
cannot always be controlled, so sooner or later he must face temptation and
learn to control himself. Otherwise, he is destined for major trouble in life,
because he thinks the world owes him a living; but the world will not always
give him what he wants. The result is unhappy, miserable delinquents, rebels,
and criminals such as flood our land.
Dr.
Dobson (DTD, pp. 14f) tells of another family where the parents always gave
their daughter whatever she wanted, never crossed her, and never made demands.
She became a selfish and disrespectful teenager, throwing terrible tantrums if
she did not get her way. They tried to give a party to please her, but she
brought in disrespectful, rebellious friends who proceeded to tear things up.
When the mother said something that angered her, the daughter "struck her
down and left her helpless" lying in a pool of blood on the floor. The
daughter then went out unconcerned to dance with her friends in the backyard.
This is
an extreme example. But the point is that without spanking and physical
punishment child rearing is doomed to failure. Spanking inflicts a relatively
mild and temporary pain by means of which the child learns lessons that will
teach him to avoid much greater hardships and trouble later in life and in
eternity. In this way, spanking benefits the child and is therefore an act of
love.
C. Objections to Spanking Are Not Valid.
========================
Some say spanking leads to child abuse or even constitutes child
abuse.
**************************************************
The
high-school parenting text Child Growth and Development, p315, says physical
punishment is "unsatisfactory" because, "All physical punishment
has the danger of turning into child abuse or causing injury when the adult is
really angry. For this reason alone, it should be avoided."
Sweden
has outlawed spanking on the grounds that it is child abuse. In this country,
schoolteachers are generally forbidden to spank, and some people have tried to
pass laws forbidding parents to spank their own children. Often overly zealous
social workers harass parents and call them into court, simply because parents
exercise Scriptural discipline.
We do
not deny that child abuse exists. We deplore it as much or more than others do.
But we affirm that scriptural spanking, rather than constituting child abuse,
in fact helps to prevent it.
We have
shown by the Scriptures that exercise of Scriptural discipline is an expression
of love for children. It is done for the child's wellbeing. In contrast, the
child abuser loses sight of the child's wellbeing and acts from selfishness and
anger. Such conduct flatly contradicts the Bible and is not what we are
defending.
Actually,
proper spanking helps avoids child abuse. People abuse children because they do
not know how to properly control them. As we have illustrated, the children's
conduct frustrates and angers the parent, till finally he loses control and, in
a fit of anger and frustration, does lasting harm to the child. If parents
would instead learn to discipline their children when the need first becomes
evident, the matter would never get so out of hand.
Others say spanking makes the child feel guilty and destroys his
self-esteem.
*****************************************************
"The
chief danger of punishment is that it makes the child feel guilty - that he is
bad, naughty" - The Complete Book of Mothercraft, p391 (via Plain Truth
about Child Rearing, p21).
But
wait! What if the child has been bad and naughty? What if he is guilty, but
doesn't feel guilty? What if he has been disrespectful or has done what could
lead him into sin? It sounds like punishment is just what he needs!
A
fundamental error of modern psychology is that it often denies evil and guilt.
It fails to hold people accountable for their misdeeds. It teaches them to have
a high self-image by whitewashing and denying their guilt. But people remain
unhappy and maladjusted, because sub-consciously they still know something is
wrong. Worse yet, this approach leaves people with no real solution for their
problem. The truth often is they are guilty; but by leading them to deny guilt,
psychology leaves them with no way to remedy it.
The
Bible teaches us to recognize that, when people do wrong, they are guilty and
should be told so. If they stubbornly refuse to admit guilt, they should be
punished so they suffer for their wrong till they admit it. This is true of
children and adults.
Proverbs
20:30 - Blows and stripes cleanse away guilt and reach the inner depths of the
heart. Spanking is not just an external act. It reaches the heart and teaches
the child to become an upright, righteous person. It molds godly character.
But the
Bible also has a solution for the guilt. When one is sorry, repents,
apologizes, and corrects his conduct, he receives forgiveness from God and
others who follow the Bible (Matt. 6:12-15; Luke 17:3,4). One reason many
people do not appreciate the value of spanking, is that they do not understand
God's concept of guilt and forgiveness.
Others say spanking teaches children to use violence.
*******************************************
Sociology
Professor Murray Strauss wrote: "Spanking teaches kids that when someone
is doing something you don't like and they won't stop doing it, you hit
them" (via Greg Gwin, Good News, 5/28/95). So supposedly spanking teaches
children that "might makes right," and if we are bigger and stronger than
others we can get our way by violence.
That
may sound reasonable on the surface, but the truth is just the opposite. An
undisciplined child is the one who tends to use violence. He throws fits in
rebellion against his parents' authority, but he never suffers for such
conduct. As he gets older, he learns to throw bigger fits, including physical
violence against those who don't let him have his way, just as in the examples
we have mentioned. But if instead, when he is small, he is punished for his
fits and is not allowed to get his way by such conduct, then he learns that
violence does not pay.
Spanking,
coupled with love and instruction, teaches children the vital principle that
only people in positions of proper authority have the right to punish others.
Parents spank, not just to "get their own way," but because they have
the God-given authority to train a child for the child's good. Children have no
right to punish others, because they do not have authority. Children can learn
to see the difference.
This
demonstrates other authority roles, such as God Himself, civil rulers, etc.
(Rom. 12:19; 13:1-7). Those who say that spanking teaches children to be
violent are, perhaps unknowingly, denying the right of God, civil rulers, and
all authority figures to require a penalty of those who flaunt authority.
Others say spanking simply does not work.
**********************************
"The
best that can be said for spanking is that it sometimes clears the air. But it
isn't worth the price, and it usually doesn't work" - The Complete Book of
Mothercraft, p. 367 (via Plain Truth about Child Rearing, p. 26.) Parents often
make similar statements: "I tried spanking my child, but it just didn't
make any difference."
Spanking
sometimes does fail, but only when it has been misused. You are not guaranteed
success just because you occasionally spank your child. Spanking must be
administered properly (see notes below). And it must be used in connection with
love, instruction, and rewards, as we discuss elsewhere.
And
spanking must be used diligently and consistently. You cannot overcome months
of improper training with just a few spankings. You will not succeed if you get
discouraged and quit trying after a few attempts, nor if you occasionally spank
a child for some offenses but then just ignore other times when he is naughty.
Proper
training must also begin early. It is possible to wait till a child is so
mature that his bad habits are thoroughly ingrained. You still should attempt
to use right methods, but it may be too late to change his conduct (Prov.
19:18).
Those
who object to spanking fall into one or more of the following categories: (1)
they are ignorant of the Bible, or (2) they simply reject the Bible teaching,
or (3) they have observed parents who misuse the Biblical concept of
discipline. Anything good can be misused; Satan consistently leads people to
pervert what is good. Like fire, electricity, atomic energy, and other powerful
forces, spanking can be misused and cause great damage. But the fact there are
dangers in these areas does not keep us from using them for the good they can
accomplish.
II. Rewards as a Form of Control
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Some
parents act as though controlling children is entirely a matter of punishment.
They never give rewards and sometimes speak as though they think it is wrong to
do so. But consider a Biblical defense of using rewards in raising children.
A. Rewards for Our Service Are Part of Life.
===========================
Luke
10:7 - The laborer is worthy of his wage, but lazy, negligent workers do not
deserve to be rewarded. (See also Matt. 25:14-30; 20:1-15; James 5:4; 1 Cor.
9:6-14; 1 Tim. 5:17,18; Eph. 4:28; 2 Thess. 3:10).
Men do
not work on a job simply for the fun of it. We rightly expect to be paid, and
we rightly hope that the people who benefit from our labors will express
appreciation.
Parents
ought to prepare children to live on their own in the "real world,"
but when they are on their own they will expect rewards for their labor. Why
should we not teach them this by rewarding them as they grow up?
Proverbs
27:2 - Let another man praise you and not your own lips. Children who are not
praised may grow up bragging and showing off to get attention. When parents
give proper praise, their children learn not to brag on themselves.
B. God Rewards People for Their Service.
=========================
Hebrews
11:6 - God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. He often rewarded
Israel for their faithfulness (Deut. 28:1,2ff). The New Testament promises
those who are faithful will receive all spiritual blessings in this life (Eph.
1:3) and eternal life at the Judgment (Rom. 8:14,17; 2:6-11).
God
does not just punish evil, but He also rewards good. This has always been a
fundamental part of the Divine nature. If we use the fact that God chastises us
as proof we should chastise our children, then shouldn't we also imitate His
example of rewarding good? Remember that God is our perfect example of a
father. By using rewards as well as punishments, we help children understand
the true nature of their Heavenly Father.
C. A Bible Example of Parental Rewards
========================
Luke
15:20-24 - When the prodigal son repented and returned from sin, the father
kissed him, rejoiced, and gave a feast in his honor.
One way
to reward a child is by letting him work for physical things he wants: money or
some item he wants. But this does not mean the child should be paid for
everything he does. His parents are already providing him with food, clothes,
shelter, etc. If the laborer is worthy of his reward, then the child already owes
it to the parents to work in return for all that the parents do for the child!
And especially in spiritual matters, children need to learn the value of
deferring their reward till judgment day, not necessarily expecting immediate
rewards for serving God.
Romans
13:7 - Give honor to whom honor is due. Another form of reward parents ought to
emphasize is expressing appreciation and giving praise. This is simply a matter
of showing gratitude. (Matt. 25:21)
The
nature of the rewards should be a matter of the parents' good judgment. Use
your ingenuity. Learn to watch for things your children want. When they ask,
"May we do this or go there...," try responding, "If you'll do
this work first, then you may." You may promise to read a book to the
child after he picks up his toys. As children grow older, perhaps you can pay
an allowance for special jobs he does.
The
point is to give pleasant results to reward the child for doing good as well as
giving unpleasant consequences for failing to do good.
III. Other Useful Methods of Control
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I
cannot give a complete list of good methods parents can use to motivate
children, but I can suggest some possibilities as illustrations. Parents should
use their ingenuity.
A. Acceptable Substitutes
===============
If a
child has been corrected for some wrong or has been forbidden to do something
unacceptable, you may offer him an acceptable alternative rather than leave him
disappointed or tempted to do wrong despite your instructions.
If he cannot ride his tricycle because it is raining, suggest some
inside game or activity.
If you
teach him not to go to the prom, offer him some alternative: a night out with
the family or a banquet with other Christian friends.
God
uses this method with us. He does not just forbid sin, but tells us the good we
should replace it with (Eph. 4:22-32). This approach leaves the child with much
less temptation to do wrong, and also teaches him to have a positive outlook
and be content even when he cannot get his way.
B. Withholding Privileges
===============
Rewards
are given only to those who deserve them. When a child misbehaves, withholding
a privilege or reward may be an appropriate punishment. Usually such
punishments are most effective if the connection between the punishment and the
crime is fairly obvious.
If he
doesn't finish his homework (or other job), he can't go out to play but has to
finish the homework.
If he
misbehaves with his friends, then he cannot visit with them for a period of
time. If he does not come when he was supposed to, he is "grounded"
and can't go anywhere for pleasure for a while.
An
older teen who uses the car improperly (as by not caring for the car
responsibly) may have use of the car withdrawn for a period of time.
C. Apology
======
Matt.
5:23,24; Luke 17:3,4 - When we wrong other people, the Bible teaches us to go
to those people and apologize. Parents should teach children to practice this
principle. When the child wrongs another child, an adult, or the parents
themselves, the child should be made to apologize.
This also
constitutes a good form of discipline because it is not easy to face one we
have wronged and admit we were wrong. The child is not likely to soon repeat
the act that led to this consequence.
D. Natural Consequences
===============
Some
acts naturally lead to unpleasant consequences that teach the child a lesson
without the parents' having to punish them.
If a
child torments a cat and the parent warns him to quit, he may continue till the
cat scratches him.
If the
consequences are very severe and if the child would learn the lesson from a
lesser punishment, we should prefer a lesser punishment (for example, spank the
child instead of letting him burn himself on a hot stove). But sometimes a
child simply won't learn from the parents' teaching.
Luke
15:14-17 - The father of the Prodigal Son allowed his son to suffer the
consequences of doing wrong. The boy reached the bottom, but nobody bailed him
out (including his father). The result is he "came to himself" and
repented. Modern parents need to learn this lesson. [Cf. also 1 Sam. 8:9ff.]
Sometimes
this method is the only one children will listen to. They may have to learn
some lessons the hard way. If they won't listen to us, we should not protect
them from the consequences of their wrong.
If a child makes a foolish debt, make him pay it off.
If he
misbehaves at school, don't take his part against the teacher or school
authorities. Let them punish him.
If he
misbehaves toward a neighbor (as by damaging their property), make him go face
the angry neighbor and fix what he broke.
If he breaks a law and the judge fines him, make him work to pay
of the fine.
Many
parents "bail out" their children when they get in trouble, and the
children never learn to be responsible and avoid the foolish conduct. Sometimes
the best punishment is to let the child suffer for his error and don't protect
him from the consequences.
E. Logical Consequences
===============
Sometimes
we can think of a punishment that is logically associated with the wrong deed.
It "fits the crime."
When a
child accidentally spills or breaks something, spanking usually is not
appropriate. Instead, have him clean up what he spilled or pay for a new one to
replace what he broke.
If he
misbehaves in how he uses a toy or equipment (bicycle), put the toy away where
he can't use it for a specified time.
If he
mistreats other family members, then he may be isolated from the family as by
sitting on a chair in the corner. If children squabble and can't get along,
they may be separated from one another so they can't play together.
F. Divine Corrections for Sin
=================
When
the child's conduct is sinful, we should use the same methods for correcting
him that we should with others. This includes:
Use God's Word to instruct and rebuke them.
*************************************
2
Timothy 3:16,17 [4:2-4] - Use the Bible to show them where they are wrong and
warn them of the eternal consequences of such conduct.
Make
clear that you are acting for the child's good. Don't lead the child to think
the Bible is a weapon God provided for parents to get their own way. Show them
that this is God's will and they must obey God.
Cooperate with other Christians and the church, when they rebuke
the child.
*****************************************************
Galatians
6:1 - Sometimes Christians know our children has sinned, so they try to talk to
them about it. Parents in such cases may become defensive and try to protect
their children. Instead we should realize that this is good for the children,
and we should appreciate people who care enough to help. Remember the father of
the prodigal, who allowed his son to suffer the consequences of his sin till
the son repented.
2
Thessalonians 3:6,14,15 - If the child is a Christian who sins and the church
exercises Scriptural discipline, we cooperate with the church and respect its
decision. The Old Law taught parents to actively participate in congregational
punishment of erring children (Deut. 21:18-21; 13:6-11; Zech. 13:3). New
Testament discipline takes a different form, but the principle is the same. If
the child sins, and we defend them in opposition to those who Scripturally
reprove him, we become a partaker of his evil deed - 2 John 10,11.
Pray for the child to do right.
************************
James
5:16 - Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another. When the
child acknowledges he has done wrong, pray to God and ask God to help him do
right. If he is old enough to be a Christian, then his disobedience to you was
also a sin against God. Have him confess the sin to God and pray for
forgiveness. (Acts 8:22; Matthew 6:12; 21:28-32; 2 Corinthians 7:10; 1 John
1:8-10; Proverbs 28:13)
Parents
may find other means of motivating children, in addition to those mentioned
here. But the principle always is: give pleasant consequences for good
behavior, unpleasant consequences for bad behavior.
IV. Guidelines for Proper Use of Punishments and Rewards
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
To be
effective and Scriptural, punishments and rewards must be administered
according to certain rules. The mere fact you use spanking (or other
punishments) and rewards, does not of itself guarantee parental success.
A. Never Inflict Lasting Damage to a Child.
==========================
Remember
that your purpose is to punish the child for his good, not for his harm. We
seek only temporary pain to change the child's conduct. To inflict lasting harm
is not an act of love, does not accomplish the purpose of punishment, and
violates the principle that we are not to discourage our children (Eph. 6:4;
Col. 3:21).
Yet
many parents do harm their children. Child abuse is a very definite problem in
our society. Literally thousands of children every year are beaten to death by
their parents, left abandoned, or otherwise inflicted with lasting harm. All
such conduct neglects parental responsibility and violates Scripture.
B. Control Children by Prompt Action, Not by Words.
================================
Some
parents try to control children by words. Dr. Dobson (DTD, pp 9,10) gives an
example of a woman whose children would run completely unrestrained throughout
the neighborhood. Her form of "discipline" was to run out her door
from time to time and scream, "I have had it with you; I have had it with
you children!" Then she would turn and go back into the house, while her
children continued to terrorize the neighborhood!
All of
us know such methods are ineffective. But many make the same mistake in other
ways. They may nag and harp, threaten and scold: "What's the matter with
you, Son. You never do what I say. What am I going to do with you? It seems
like you're always getting into something. Why can't you do what you're told?
Other children obey their parents, why can't you? Etc., etc., etc."
"This is the last time I'm going to tell you that this is the last time
I'm going to tell you!"
Others
try to control children by getting loud or by long lectures. We made mistakes
in this area. One of us would get loud and gruff with the kids; the other would
repeatedly give long lectures. This may not be sinful, but the point is that it
is not effective.
In
church meetings we see children misbehave, so parents repeatedly whisper to
them, tug at them, shake them, grab them and sit them down. But the problem
continues.
The
problem is that the child gets used to talk and simply turns it off. It may
work at first, but then he learns to gauge how loud, how angry, how long you
threaten and scold before you do anything. Then he will push you to the limit.
He will pay no attention until you reach the fever pitch where he thinks you
are about to take action. The parent gets louder and angrier until finally he
ends up having to punish the child anyway.
Further,
the parent's verbal barrage often results in a return barrage. We scold; he
argues and fusses. We scold louder and longer; he argues and fusses louder and
longer. Other family members overhear. The result is that everyone becomes
angry, frustrated, and upset.
Proverbs
13:24 - He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines
him promptly (NKJV; cf. Heb. 12:5-11). We think we are showing love for the
child by not punishing him, but we would show more love and have a better
relationship if we would just punish and get it over with.
The
solution is to use action to motivate. We should talk to the child once enough
to make sure he understands what is expected. If he is old enough to understand
and if circumstances are appropriate, we should explain our reasons. If he
disobeys, we may explain a second time to be sure he understands. But if he
understands what we want and he just does not want to obey, then it is time for
action, not words.
If you
discipline "promptly," soon you won't have to argue with him. He will
obey "promptly," because he now knows that you will back up your
words with action. The result of disciplining "promptly" is that
eventually you end up disciplining less, and meanwhile you have a much more
peaceful home.
Arguing begets arguing; action begets action.
C. Always Control Yourself When Disciplining.
============================
Ephesians
4:26 - Be angry and do not sin. Being angry with our children is not necessarily
sinful, but if we are not careful it can lead to sin.
When we
become extremely angry and agitated, there is danger that we may make decisions
that are bad for the child. We may even lose control and cause serious violence
and harm. So we really should keep ourselves under control, and administer
discipline calmly. But how do we accomplish this?
Interestingly
enough, the answer is the same as the last point: Take action early, before the
situation gets out of hand. Obtain action from the child by taking action
yourself. He is not likely to do what you say until he thinks you will take
action if he does not. So don't keep postponing the action. When the child does
something that you will eventually punish him for if he does not change, warn
him calmly once or twice. If he does not obey, calmly punish him.
Consistent
application of this approach will lead to less arguing, less anger, less upset,
and less threatening. But the result will also be less punishment, in the long
run. Why? Because when the child learns that you mean what you say, he will act
when you tell him to, instead of agitating till you have to punish him. By
punishing more promptly, you end up punishing less frequently. Greater
commitment to action leads to decreased need for action. More is less.
Yes,
you can and should learn to punish children calmly. Remember it: Arguing begets
arguing; action begets action.
D. Measure the Effectiveness of Your Methods by the Child's
Obedience.
============================================
Ephesians 6:1 - Children obey your parents. Obedience is the goal
of our training!
Don't judge your effectiveness by how much the child cries,
fusses, or throws a fit.
*****************************************************
Some
parents spank hard enough to cause crying, but not hard enough to cause
obedience! They give little smacks that wouldn't hurt anybody. The child fusses
so the parents think they've done the job and stop punishing. And the child
continues to do as he wants.
Once
when my mother spanked me, I told my sister, "It didn't hurt. I just cried
so she'd quit." My sister told Mother, and Mother did the job again to
make sure it hurt!
The
fact a child cries does not prove he is sorry for his wrong and won't do it any
more. Some crying is a form of rebellion, protest, or expression of anger. Some
children hope their crying will get on their parents' nerves, make them feel
guilty, or embarrass them if others hear it. Or maybe the parents will just get
tired of all the fuss and trouble, and decide to drop the matter. But if the
child isn't doing what you told him to do, your job isn't done yet, no matter
how much he cries. Punish him some more till he obeys you!
Determine the methods you use by what WORKS.
****************************************
Do not
automatically resort to spanking. Maybe with a certain child in a certain
situation, just a good discussion will solve the matter. Or maybe you can give
a lesser punishment or take away a privilege. Different children react
differently to different approaches. Learn what works best with each child
under various circumstances. But use what produces the desired obedience.
Be sure
your rewards are really something the child likes, and your punishments are
something he dislikes. In Uncle Remus' tales, Br'er Fox caught Br'er Rabbit and
wanted to make him suffer. Br'er Rabbit convinced Br'er Fox that he would
suffer terribly, if Br'er Fox would fling him into the briar patch. But when it
happened, Br'er Rabbit was happy as could be, because the briar patch was his
home!
Some
punishments are simply inadequate. Some parents spank on a diaper or on an
older child's blue jeans. It makes a loud noise, but the child may feel little
or nothing. I always pulled my children's clothing up or down and spanked on
their bare thigh. It's a punishment. Make sure it hurts!
Sometimes
we may think we are punishing our children; but if they don't change their
behavior, then apparently they don't consider the punishment to be severe
enough.
Continue working on the problem till the child acts as he should.
***************************************************
Never
let the child win a battle of wills. With many children there will come a time
- perhaps several or even many times - when he will stubbornly set his will
against yours and dare you to make him obey. The Bible calls it
"stiff-necked." When that happens, you cannot afford to lose that
battle.
If you
must spank the child a dozen times, he must learn that, when the parent
"puts his foot down," then the child is not going to win. This is not
a matter of stubbornness and egotism by the parent. It is a principle of
authority for everyone's good.
If the
child finds out that, if he is stubborn long enough, he can get his way, then
he will be ten times more stubborn next time. But if you can prove without
question, while the child is a pre-schooler, that what you say is the way it
will be, then there will be far fewer challenges to your authority in later years,
including the rebellious teen years.
This is
not to say we should refuse to listen to reason. If the child can give good
reasons for us to change our minds, that is one matter. But we are discussing a
conflict of wills in which the child just doesn't want to do what we told him
to do. In that case, you must keep on punishing until the child submits. You
must not let him have his way! The goal is obedience.
E. Consider the Reasons Why Your Child Acts as He Does.
===================================
How you respond to a child should be determined by why he is
acting as he does.
*****************************************************
Ephesians 6:4 - Do not provoke children to anger.
You
might demand too much because a child is simply too young to understand or be
able to do what you asked. Maybe you did not explain clearly enough what you
wanted. Maybe he just honestly forgot due to time lapse, tiredness, excitement
of circumstances, etc. Maybe he has an unfilled emotional need, and acts as he
does out of fear or insecurity or a desire for love and attention. These
situations should be handled differently from outright rebellion.
But
when the child knows what you want (or ought to know), but he is just
rebellious, self-willed, stubborn, and does not want to do what you want, this
child must be punished to motivate him to obey.
How can we determine the child's motives?
************************************
This is
not always easy. It requires thought, experience, and knowledge of the child.
Perhaps parents should discuss these matters together. Here are some thoughts
to help.
Put
yourself in the child's place. When you were his age, how would you have acted
and felt in his place? How should you have been handled to produce desired
conduct? "Do unto others..." (Matt. 7:12).
Consider how the child would act if he WANTED to do a thing.
Suppose
you tell little Johnny to do something, but he fusses and squirms and cries and
makes everybody miserable. You may think maybe Johnny is too tired or maybe
he's sick. But five minutes later he is doing something he likes, so now he is
all smiles and happiness. That proves little Johnny can be pleasant if he wants
to - it's your job to see to it that he wants to!
Maybe
Johnny says he is too sick to go to school. But then he wants to stay up and
play with his toys or go outside and play. When I said I was too sick to go to
school, my mother made me stay in bed all day to get better!
So
consider whether he is capable of understanding, remembering, and accomplishing
the thing you asked of him if it were something he wanted to do. If the answer
is "yes," then your job is to give him sufficient reason to want to!
F. Generally Children Should Be Disciplined in Private.
=================================
Sometimes
a child misbehaves in public places, other people's homes, or in the presence
of company. Disciplining him around other people may embarrass him, you, and
the other people. And in today's society so-called child advocates may harass
you. But if you don't discipline the child, he soon learns he can misbehave
around other people without consequences.
One
solution is to call the child to you and inform him as privately as possible
what you want (whisper, etc.). If firmer measures are needed, find or ask for a
private room. (This could be a rest room, a bedroom, a car, etc.). Take the
child there and proceed to discipline as you would at home. If he is old enough
to understand, you may tell him you will discipline him when you get home.
Suppose
a child is being noisy or otherwise disruptive during a church meeting. Some
people think, if they take the child out, it will be embarrassing or will
disturb others. But by not disciplining the child, they make matters worse
because the child continues to disrupt other people.
When
your child is distracting other people in worship assemblies, take him out and
solve his problem. Then bring him back when he is under control so he will not
distract others.
G. Never Offer a Child a Reward to Stop Misbehaving.
=================================
If he
is already doing wrong, and you offer a reward to quit, then you have really
rewarded and reinforced his misbehavior. Next time he wants that reward, he
will misbehave hoping to receive the reward again.
Suppose
you call Billy to come and he says, "No, I won't!" So you offer him
candy if he'll come. What will happen next time you call him? He'll remember
that, if he says "No," he may get some candy!
The
time to offer a reward is before the child has done anything wrong, while you
are asking him to do something good. Or just give him the reward after he did
the good deed, but don't wait till he's already doing something wrong and then
offer him a reward to quit.
H. Talk to the Child Before and After You Punish Him.
================================
Discuss
the incident. Explain why it was wrong and what the child should have done.
After the punishment, make sure the child is sorry: make him say he's sorry and
make him promise to do right next time. If he has refused to do something you
told him to do, take him back and make him do it. Then be sure to tell the child
you love him and you expect him to do better next time, etc. There are many
advantages to this.
(1) It
helps you keep calm.
(2) It
makes sure the child understands why he is being punished and what you expect
in the future.
(3) It
helps him remember the lesson. You certainly have his attention, so it is an
excellent time to instruct him.
(4) It
enables you to assure him of your love and concern for what's best for him. You
make sure he understands that you care about him, but you must not allow that
kind of conduct.
(5)
Often your talk will cause the child to feel bad just by the fact he knows he
has disappointed you.
Gwendolyn
Webb says to "make a spanking an event" (TUAC, pp. 168-170). She
means don't just keep scolding a child and smacking him so the situation gets
drug out repeatedly. Take him out, talk to him, give him a spanking, make him
apologize and do what you told him, etc. Make it an event he will remember, so
he is not likely to make the same error again.
Conclusion
********
Romans
11:22 - Therefore consider the goodness and severity of God: on those who fell,
severity; but toward you, goodness, if you continue in His goodness.
God is
a God of both rewards and punishments. He is our example of a good father. We
should consider the principles He uses to motivate obedience and apply those
principles in our homes according to the Scriptures.
(C)
Copyright 2004, David E. Pratte You are free to keep copies of this material on computer and/or in printed form for your own further study. If you have any other requests about the use of this material, please read our copyright guidelines at www.gospelway.com/copyrite.htm.
Hillcrest Church of Christ, Utica, Ohio
Hillcrest Church of Christ, Utica, Ohio
