(This is part of a ten-part series about marriage preparation and improvement. This article should be studied in context of the whole series of articles. To start at the beginning of the series, please go to our web site at www.gospelway.com/instruct and see the section about the Family.)
Major
marriage problems often are caused by irresponsible conduct, especially
regarding honesty, financial matters, and uncontrolled temper.
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God requires
us to tell the truth.
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Bible teaching
Proverbs
6:16-19 - There are 7 things God hates, and two of them involve lying and
deceit: "a lying tongue," and "a false witness that tells
lies."
Proverbs
30:8 - Remove far from me falsehood and lies. No servant of God wants a close
relationship with one who practices lying or deceit.
Revelation
21:8,27; 22:14,15 - All liars will have their part in the lake of fire outside
the holy city.
Ephesians
4:25 - Putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his
neighbor," for we are members of one another. In no relationship is this
more true than in marriage.
Romans
1:29,32 - Deceit is a twin brother of lying. It involves deliberately
attempting to lead people to believe things that are not true. Those who
practice it, and those who approve of others who practice it, both are worthy
of death.
Psalm 40:4 - Do not have respect for those who turn aside to lies.
[John
8:44; Colossians 3:9; Psalm 24:3-5; 1 Peter 2:1,22; 3:10; Matthew 15:18-20;
Proverbs 19:22; Exodus 20:16; Acts 5:1-9]
Applications
If we
really understand this Bible teaching, why would we ever be dishonest with our
marriage companion? Lying and deceit are always sinful. Why should we practice
them toward those whom God has commanded us to love?
Marriage
is based on mutual trust. When you sneak and deceive your spouse to get your
way, you destroy the foundation of marriage and you sin against your spouse and
against God.
And why
would we marry anyone known to tell lies? If the person you are considering
marrying lies to you or others, break off the relationship. A person who lies
can never be trusted.
And if
he/she lies to other people, don't think they won't lie to you. He will lie to
anyone, when he thinks it is to his advantage. You never know when they are
lying and when they are telling the truth. Why choose to live with that all
your life?
God
requires us to keep our promises.
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Bible teaching
Hebrews
10:23 - God is faithful to His promises to us. This is just one of many
characteristics God requires us to possess because it is a fundamental
characteristic He possesses.
Genesis
29:18-28 - Laban agreed to give Rachel to Jacob for his wife if he would work
seven years. But when the time came, he gave Leah instead. This is described as
deceit (v25). Deceit characterized this whole family, and trouble repeatedly
resulted. When a person can keep a promise but knowingly refuses to do so, that
is deceitful. [31:4-13, 38-53]
Numbers
30:1,2 - The Lord commanded if a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath
to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do
according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. [Prov. 22:25]
James
5:12 - Do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But
let your "Yes," be "Yes," and your "No,"
"No," lest you fall into judgment. [Matt. 5:33-37; 23:16-22; 2 Cor.
1:15-20]
The
fact we don't take oaths under the New Testament does not mean that keeping our
word is less needed in the New Testament than in the Old Testament; rather, it
is more necessary. In the New Testament, giving your word is binding, like Old
Testament oaths were binding.
Romans
1:31,32 - Among those worthy of death are "covenant-breakers" (KJV
& ASV). The NKJV says "untrustworthy" - surely, one who does keep
his word is not trustworthy.
Matthew
7:12 (22:36-39) - The Golden Rule requires us to do to others as we want them
to do to us. If it bothers you for people to make promises to you that they
don't keep, then don't treat others this way.
[See
also Proverbs 20:25; Ecclesiastes 5:2-6; Malachi 2:13-16; Jer. 34:8-22; Ezek.
17:12-16 (cf. v17-21); Gal. 3:15; Josh 2:9-21; 6:22f; 1 Kings 2:8,42f.]
Applications
Sometimes extenuating circumstances might release us from a
promise.
(1) We
may have made a conditional promise. If the condition is not met, we are not
obligated. [Sometimes conditions are understood, even if not stated.]
(2)
Physical circumstances beyond our control may make it impossible to do as
planned (like sickness keeping us from job, church meeting, etc.) [Luke
7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34]
(3) The
person to whom we made the commitment may agree to change the agreement [Prov.
6:1-5; Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34].
(4) If
we committed ourselves to do something sinful, we must repent of having made
the commitment, and then not keep it (Matthew 21:28-30).
But we
must never make a promise that we have no intention of keeping. Having made a
promise, we must not knowingly fail to keep it when we are able to keep it.
If a
person does not honor his word and keep his promises, what reason do you have
to believe he will keep the marriage vows? What evidence is there that he/she
will stay with you till death or remain faithful sexually?
Few
things do more harm to the marriage relationship than a partner who cannot be
trusted to tell the truth and keep his/her word.
B.
Husbands and Wives Should Pay Their Debts and Control Spending.
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Money
matters are one of the biggest causes of strife in marriage. Often the problem
is caused by over-commitment to debt.
Bible principles
************
Christians must pay their debts.
2
Corinthians 8:21 - Provide for things that are honorable, not only in the sight
of the Lord, but also in the sight of men. Being honorable in dealing with men
requires paying our debts.
Psalm 37:21 - One who borrows and then does not pay again is
wicked.
James
5:12 - Let your yea be yea and your nay, nay. If you don't intend to pay for a
thing, don't promise that you will. If you do promise, then you are obligated
to keep that commitment.
Romans 13:7,8
- Not only must we pay our taxes, but render to all what is due. This does not
mean it is wrong to borrow. But when the payments come due, you must pay what
you owe.
For
Christians, there can be no doubt about whether or not debts will be paid. Failure
to pay a debt is one form of dishonesty and failing to keep our promises.
[James
5:4]
One reason people are overwhelmed by debt is desire for material
things.
Matthew
13:22 - In the parable of the sower, the thorny soil represents people in whom
God's word is choked by the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of
riches. These problems cause much marital strife and destroy marriages, as well
as making people unfaithful to God.
1 John
2:15-17 - Do not love the world, nor the things in the world. People are often
led to buy things they cannot afford because of lust of the flesh, lust of the
eyes, or pride of life. We see things that we think will satisfying our desires
or that will make us feel important. We want what others have. But if we love
the world, the love of God is not in us.
1
Timothy 6:6-10 - Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare,
and into many foolish and harmful lusts. For the love of money is a root of all
kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness,
and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. Instead, we need to learn to
be content with basic necessities.
Applications
Just
because others have something doesn't mean your family needs it. Often a couple
buys things they don't really need and can't really afford, then there is
arguing about how the debts will be paid. Or both husband and wife work long
hours to buy material things, but as a result they neglect their
responsibilities to one another, to their children, to the church, etc.
Couples
need to learn from the early days of their marriage to make a budget and live
by it. Make a list of the things you need in order to live and how much each
one will cost you. If you can't afford to pay for a thing and still spend the
time and money you need with your family and in God's work, then learn to do
without it.
Avoid
debt whenever possible. Never make a debt unless you have every reason to
believe you can pay it. If you make a debt, pay it.
If a person
has demonstrated that they cannot control their spending and cannot learn to
live on their income, then don't marry them. Or wait till they grow up and
demonstrate in their life the basic honesty and self-control required to live
within their means and pay their debts.
[Luke
12:15-22; Matthew 6:19-33]
C.
Husbands and Wives Must Control Their Anger.
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Bible teaching
************
Ephesians
4:26 - Being angry is not necessarily sinful, but we must control our anger or
it will lead us into sin. [Mark 3:5]
James
1:19,20 - Be slow to speak, slow to wrath, because man's anger does not work
God's righteousness. Learn not to get angry quickly, and do not speak quickly
when you are angry. You can learn to control your temper. [Proverbs 14:17]
Proverbs
29:11,20 - A foolish man utters all his anger and is hasty in words. Sometimes
people say, "I just say what I think," as though this justifies their
sinful statements. But some things should not be thought, let alone said
(Matthew 12:35-37). And wise men learn to control their speech. Only a foolish
man says every thought that comes to his mind, especially when he is angry.
[Ephesians 4:31,32; Proverbs 16:32; 25:28]
Proverbs
15:1,28 - When you are angry or your spouse is angry, study to answer (think
about it carefully), and respond calmly.
Proverbs
22:24,25 - Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not
go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.
Applications
**********
Failure to control ones temper leads to sin and ruins many
marriages.
Uncontrolled
anger often leads to sin against others, especially those closest to us. It can
even lead to violence and spouse or child abuse. If you have a temper problem,
you must learn to control it if you ever expect to have a good home, to please
God, or to receive eternal life.
If a
person is known to have a bad temper that he often does not control, and
especially if he is known to get violent, why marry him? Let him learn to grow
up and prove he can control himself over a long period of time, or marry
someone else.
You say, "He said he was sorry and asked me to forgive
him."
Evil
people often take advantage of the kindness of innocent people, especially
young women. They lead you to believe that, if they say they are sorry, you
must take them back and continue the relationship, even if you are not married.
Apologizing
is good. But every liar will say he's sorry, when you catch him and prove unquestionably
that he lied. People who frequently lose their temper will be sorry after they
calm down. But real repentance requires changing, not just being sorry (Acts
26:20). Such characteristics are habits engrained in the character. They can be
changed, but it will take time and motivation. Don't risk your soul and your
happiness by marrying such a person.
If he
apologizes and promises to change, you should forgive. But that does not
require you to marry him or even to continue a relationship. Forgiving a person
and marrying them are two different issues. Are you required to marry every
person who asks your forgiveness? You are not required to marry anybody! You
have every right to decide not to marry a person on any grounds you choose.
If he
goes a year or two without committing such sins, you may have grounds to
reconsider. But meanwhile, break off the relationship and let him prove himself
willing to truly change. This keeps you free from an emotional bond that could
bring you to ruin.
2 Peter
1:6; Galatians 5:22,23 - Self-control is both a fruit of the Spirit and a
virtue one must add to his faith.
Before
they marry, a man and a woman should both be mature and responsible enough to
tell the truth, keep their promises, control their temper, and control their
finances. If you are considering marrying a person who lacks self-control, do
not think it will get better after marriage - it will probably get worse! Marry
someone else, or at least wait until he/she grows up and enough time has passed
to prove they have a pattern of responsible conduct.
If you
are already married and have these problems, grow up! Study the Bible and make
a commitment before God to change. Then keep your word and change.
(C)
Copyright 2007, 2013, David E. Pratte - You are free to keep copies of this material on computer and/or in printed form for your own further study. If you have any other requests about the use of this material, please read our copyright guidelines at www.gospelway.com/copyrite.htm.
