Every
family has disagreements. Someone
once told about a couple celebrating many years of marriage. The man said,
"I'm pleased to be able to say that we've never had a fight." The
wife responded, "Well, it helps to get old and develop a poor
memory!"
The
couple that never has conflicts does not exist. Unfortunately, conflicts can
lead to bad fights. A bad fight is one that seriously alienates husband and
wife but never resolves the cause of the problem. As a result couples build up
bitterness, quarreling, uncontrolled anger, hatred, and often divorce.
What
many couples lack is the skill to discuss disagreements and resolve them.
Specifically, they need the ability to discuss serious problems, reach a plan
to resolve them, and then put that plan into action. I emphasize that this is a
skill that many people simply never have learned, but which can be learned.
The
purpose of this study is to learn what the Bible says about how to resolve
conflict in marriage.
We are
concerned with conflict in general, but especially with serious conflicts that
destroy the relationship of husband and wife and that may lead to divorce.
Consider the following steps that can help couples avoid or
resolve such serious problems.
I. HAVE FAITH
-------------
Many
couples have bickered and quarreled so long that they lose hope things will
ever improve. They resign themselves to go on quarreling and hating the rest of
their lives, or they end the marriage by divorce.
Couples
need to believe that, by God's power, they CAN resolve their marriage problems
if both parties will really work at it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Philippians
4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If we trust in
ourselves we may fail. But we must believe that Jesus will provide the strength
we need to please to God.
Careful
thought will convince us that serious marriage conflict is not God's will for
us. God created marriage for the good of man and woman. He never intended for
marriage to be a source of hatred and bitter grudges.
Hatred,
bitter quarreling, and alienation in our homes mean that someone is disobeying
God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Either
the problem began because someone disobeyed God, or else the original problem
led someone to commit other sinful acts. In either case, serious marriage
problems almost always involve sin.
If so,
then we can overcome the problems by the same methods the Bible describes for
overcoming other sins! Recognizing that sin is the root of the problem gives
hope, because a Christian knows that God has the solution to sin.
However,
marriage involves two people. A problem between two people can only be
completely removed if both parties are willing to work at it. If only one
person obeys God, the other person can keep the problem alive.
However,
if your partner will not work to improve the marriage, this does not remove
your responsibility to do what you can.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To please
God, you must follow His will regardless of what your partner does. You must
believe that you can please God regardless of how others act.
1 John
5:4 -- If we are born of God, we overcome the world through faith. This
includes overcoming improper family relations, but we must believe that it can
be done by the power of God.
If both
parties commit themselves to practice God's plan, any couple can eliminate sin
from their marriage. And regardless of whether or not your partner obeys God,
you can still please God if you will follow the steps we are about to describe.
[1 Cor.
10:13; 2 Cor. 9:8; Josh. 1:5-9; Eph. 3:20,21]
II. PRAY FOR GOD'S STRENGTH.
----------------------------
Philippians
4:6,7 -- Don't be anxious, but by prayer and supplication make your requests
known to God. Christians should do this for all our problems, but specifically
for our marriage problems. If we have proper faith in God's power, then we will
pray diligently about our marriage problems.
1 John
5:14 -- Be confident that, if we ask according to His will, He hears us. [Matt.
6:13; 1 Pet. 5:7]
When we
have marriage problems, especially serious ones, we need to believe that God
will answer prayer. If both the husband and wife are faithful Christians then
they should spend much time together and individually praying for God's help
with their problems.
Remember,
however, that God answers according to His will. If your companion is not a
Christian or is not faithful, then God will not force them to do right. He may,
however, give them an opportunity to learn His will for their lives.
When
your family faces serious problems, how much do you pray to God together and
trust His power to answer your prayers?
III. RESPECT BIBLE AUTHORITY
----------------------------
A.
Follow the Bible Instead of Feelings, Human Wisdom, etc.
*************************************************
Proverbs
3:5,6 -- Trust in the Lord and let Him guide our paths. Don't lean on our own
human understanding. Too often troubled couples seek sources of guidance
outside the Bible.
Some
folks follow psychologists, marriage counselors, etc. Others are guided by
feelings. People get divorced saying, "I just don't feel anything for her
(or him) anymore." But no amount of feelings can change what God's word
says.
2
Timothy 3:16,17 -- Scriptures provide to all good works. If solving marriage
conflict is a good work, then the Bible will tell us how to do it. Other people
may help, but we must reject any ideas that do not agree with the Bible.
Most of
us accept this view of authority regarding salvation, worship, church
organization, etc. Why should it be any different regarding our homes?
[2 Pet.
1:3; Jer. 10:23; Prov. 14:12; etc.]
B.
Study What the Bible Says About Our Problem.
*****************************************
Psalm
1:2 -- The righteous man delights in God's law and meditates on it day and
night. If we really believe the Bible has the answers, then we should study
what it says. This is what we would do about any other spiritual problem. Why
do otherwise regarding family problems?
Acts
17:11 -- The Bereans learned the truth by searching the Scriptures day and
night. We need to do the same regarding our family problems.
C. Be
Willing to Obey the Bible.
**************************
Matthew
7:24-27 -- The wise man not only hears what God's word says, but also does it.
The foolish man hears but does not obey.
If we
believe that God's word holds the answers to our marriage problems, then we
must be determined to do what it says, not just learn what it says.
IV. RESPECT THE BIBLE PATTERN FOR AUTHORITY IN THE HOME.
----------------------------------------------------
Ephesians 5:22-24 -- The wife must submit to her husband as to the
Lord.
1 Peter
3:1 -- She must obey her husband even if he is not serving God. A wife may
think she can disobey her husband if he commits sin, but God says she must
still obey. She may disobey only if the husband asks her to commit sin (Acts
5:29).
We will
see that the husband also has God-given guidelines to follow when he makes
decisions. Often conflict arises or remains unresolved, because the husband
disobeys Bible teachings about how to make decisions or because the wife
disobeys Bible teachings about submission.
Resolving
conflict requires decisions to be made. God has provided a way to make those
decisions. Husbands need the wisdom to make decisions according to God's
guidelines, and they need the courage to make even the tough decisions. Then
they need the strength to see that those decisions are carried out. And wives
need the strength and the humility to accept those decisions.
[Tit.
2:5; Col. 3:18; etc.]
V. ACT IN LOVE.
---------------
Husbands
should love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25,28,29).
Wives should love their husbands (Titus 2:4).
A. Love
Is Concern for the Wellbeing of Others.
**************************************
Ephesians
5:25,28,29 -- Jesus' love for the church illustrates the love husbands should
have for their wives. He loved us so much He gave His life so we could be
saved. So the husband should be concerned for the wellbeing of the wife. He
should nourish and cherish her. He must not use his authority just to please
himself but to do what is best for her and the family.
1 Corinthians 13:5 -- Love is not selfish.
Romans 13:10 -- Love works no harm to its neighbor.
As long
as one or both companions selfishly insist on their own way, differences will
not be resolved. Serious problems can be solved only when we are willing to
seek the welfare of others besides ourselves.
B. Love
Is a Choice of the Will.
*************************
Ephesians
5:25,28 -- Love can be commanded because it is a matter of the will. We can choose
whether or not to love, just like we can choose whether or not to obey any
other command.
Some
think love just happens and cannot be controlled -- you "fall in
love" or out of love. So, if a couple "just don't love one another
anymore," nothing can be done except to get a divorce. But when we realize
we can choose to love, then we realize we can put love into a marriage. And if
we fail to put it in, we sin.
Furthermore,
just as Christ initiated love toward the church when we were sinners not acting
lovingly toward Him, so it is the primary responsibility of the husband to
initiate love. The command is emphasized to the man. He is to love the wife
first and put love into the relationship, as Christ first loved the church.
Romans
5:6-8 -- Christ loved us while we were yet sinners, not because we were so
loveable He couldn't help Himself. He chose to do what we needed done.
Luke
6:27,28 -- We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving ones enemy is about
what it would take to put love into some marriages! But we love enemies, not
because we uncontrollably "fall" in love, but because we choose to do
what is best for them.
The
statement "I just don't love her/him any more" is a confession of
sin! It must be repented of and corrected as an act of the will!
When
serious disagreements build up in marriage and are not resolved, one or both
companions are not choosing to show love.
C. Love
Must Be Expressed in Action.
******************************
Love
should be expressed by what we say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ephesians
5:25 -- Husbands should love as Christ loved the church. But Christ states His
love for the church (Ephesians 5:2; John 3:16). So husbands and wives should
express love for one another in words.
This
does not require an overwhelming romantic "feeling" that wells up and
can't help but be expressed. We are discussing love by choice of the will.
We can
and should state, by the choice of our will: "I want you to know that I
still love you, I am committed to this marriage and to your welfare."
Love
should be expressed by what we do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1 John
5:2,3 -- Love for others requires us to love God and keep His commands. Keeping
God's commands is loving God.
1 John
3:18 -- We must not love just in words, but in deed and in truth. This is a
vital principle in every home. We ought to say loving things, but that alone is
not enough. We must act in love.
[Luke
10:25-37; 6:27,28]
D. Love
Requires Giving & Self-sacrifice.
********************************
Giving
of self is the essence of love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John 3:16 -- God so loved the world that He gave His only-begotten
Son.
Ephesians 5:25 -- Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it.
1 John
3:14-18 -- If you see your brother in need and don't give what is needed, you
don't have love.
Romans 12:20 -- Loving you enemy requires giving food and drink
when needed.
A basic
requirement in solving family disagreements is a willingness to give of
ourselves for the good of others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Typically
each spouse refuses to change because he/she is upset at something the other
person did. If we would view the situation honestly and objectively (as if it
were someone else's problem), we would admit we should do differently. But we
refuse to change because of some habit or characteristic we dislike in our
spouse.
The
fundamental lesson of Christ's love is that we should give up our own desires
for the good of others even when they are not acting the way we think they
should. Don't say, "I'll change if he/she will too." If an act is
good for others, do it regardless of what they are doing. If we have been wrong,
admit it regardless of whether or not they have admitted their errors.
Even if
we are convinced we are not the root cause of a problem, we should ask
ourselves honestly what we can do to help improve it. This does not mean
ignoring sin. Jesus did not cause our sin problem and He did not compromise
with sin, but He did sacrifice Himself to provide a solution to our sin
problem. He did not just sit back and criticize us for our sin, but He became
involved to provide a solution. He did not do everything for us, but He made
sure we had a way whereby we could overcome the problem.
A
spouse will often criticize: "It's his/her fault, so let him/her solve
it." Even if that is true, is it helpful? Instead think, "What can I
offer to do -- how can I become involved -- so as to help resolve this
problem?" Instead of saying, "Why don't you do this?" say,
"Why don't you and I work on this together?"
As long
as neither spouse will take the first step to give up what they want, strife
will continue. When one is willing to give in for the good of the group, then a
start has been made to resolving the problem. When both are willing to give in
for the good of the group, then the solution definitely will be found.
The
husband has the final say, but he must not just do what he wants. He must put
aside his own desires and do what is best for the group. The wife must not
insist on what she wants, but must give in and submit to the husband's
decisions.
[1 John
4:9,19; Acts 20:35; Luke 10:25-37]
VI. MAINTAIN AND EXPRESS COMMITMENT TO THE MARRIAGE.
----------------------------------------------------
A.
Divorce and Separation Are Not Options.
***********************************
Read
Romans 7:2,3; Matthew 5:31,32; 19:3-9; 1 Corinthians 7:10,11 -- Marriage is a
lifetime commitment. One can Scripturally divorce a mate only if it is done
because he/she has committed fornication. If we have unscripturally divorced,
we must seek reconciliation with our spouse or remain unmarried. Remarriage is
not an option.
Obviously
one should never want his/her spouse to commit fornication, so it follows that
each one must sincerely hope for the marriage to continue.
1
Corinthians 7:2-5 -- Since the sexual union is upright only within marriage
(Heb. 13:4), the man and wife are to fulfill one another's desires for sexual
affection. They are not to voluntarily separate except by mutual consent for a
temporary time for spiritual purposes.
Sometimes
troubled couples choose to separate. Separation not only causes sexual temptation,
but it weakens commitment to the marriage and increases the likelihood of
divorce. Doubts about one another's conduct and motives increase. Problems
cannot be discussed and resolved.
Clearly the Bible requires both spouses to continually view the
marriage with commitment.
B.
Express Your Commitment to the Marriage.
*************************************
Sometimes
one will make statements that show lack of commitment to a marriage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some
will say:
"I wish I never married you."
"I wish you were dead."
"I should have divorced you years ago."
"If this doesn't stop, I'll see a lawyer."
"I'm leaving, and I don't know if I'll be back."
In the
absence of Scriptural grounds for divorce, all such statements are sinful,
because they destroy the security and commitment of the marriage. They do not
express love, but are used as a weapon to threaten and hurt the spouse.
Not
only is it sinful to practice wrong, it is also sinful to DESIRE to practice
wrong or to THREATEN to do wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Proverbs
4:23 -- Out of the heart are the issues of life. We sin because we allow
ourselves to think and speak about our desire to sin. See also Matt.
5:21f,27f,33-37, etc.
Matthew
12:35-37 -- The mouth speaks out to the abundance of the heart. We will be
justified or condemned by our words.
In the
absence of Scriptural grounds for divorce, Christians should never do anything
that appears to justify or lead to separation or divorce. Instead, they should
deliberately express and promote commitment. "I really do love you. I want
to work out our problems, and I want us to have a good marriage."
VII. EXPRESS APPRECIATION & PRAISE FOR WHAT IS GOOD.
----------------------------------------------------
Philippians
4:6,7 -- Let your requests be made known to God with thanksgiving. Even when we
are concerned about our problems, we must remember to be thankful for our
blessings.
Often in
times of strife, we get so upset with our companion, that we fail to express
appreciation for the good qualities they have. This tends to blow the problems
out of proportion.
A.
Husbands Should Express Appreciation for Their Wives.
************************************************
Genesis
2:18 -- It was not good for man to be alone, so God made woman to be a
companion for him. A woman who fulfills her God-given role is good for a
husband. She was created by God for that very purpose.
Proverbs
18:22 -- He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor of God. So
let the husband say so.
Proverbs
12:4 -- A worthy woman is the crown of her husband. If so, then let the husband
express appreciation for her. [Prov. 19:14; 31:10]
1 Peter
3:7 -- The husband should give honor to his wife. Yet many husbands give much
more criticism than they give honor. How often do you deliberately say or do
something intended to honor your wife? Is she supposed to consider herself
honored simply because it has been a while since you insulted her?
Proverbs
31:28-31 -- A worthy woman should be praised by her husband. Do you praise your
wife when she prepares a meal, cleans the house, cares for your children, or
fulfills her responsibilities as a Christian? Or do you just criticize when you
think she fails?
A
husband often gets a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment from his work. He
gets a regular paycheck and perhaps occasional promotions. But the wife works
day in and day out at home with the family. If the husband does not express
appreciation, the wife should still find a sense of accomplishment in seeing
her children develop and in knowing above all that God is pleased. But she has
a much greater sense of security and being needed if her husband tells her he
appreciates what she does.
God
tells us to praise our wives when they do good. If we did, they would find it
much easier to fulfill their role as submissive homemakers.
B.
Wives Should Express Appreciation for Their Husbands.
***********************************************
Romans
13:7 -- All Christians should give honor to whom honor is due. This is a
general principle. It would teach husbands to honor their wives, but it would
also teach wives to honor their husbands.
Ephesians
5:33 -- Because the husband is the head of the wife (v22-24), she should
respect (reverence) him. Surely this includes expressing appreciation for him.
Ladies,
if your husband works regular hours at his job to provide for you and the
family, how often do you tell him you appreciate it? Or do you just take his
paycheck and spend it without a word of thanks? When he does a handyman job
around the house for you, or spends time with the children, or fulfills his
role as a Christian man, do you tell him you appreciate it?
Probably
the greatest need that the wife has is a sense of security in knowing that she
is loved and needed. Probably the greatest need the man has is the sense of
personal worth in knowing that he is respected and looked up to. Both these
needs are met if the husband and wife will express appreciation one another.
If you
are angry and upset with your companion, do two things. (1) Make an honest list
of every good quality your companion possesses and every good work he/she does.
Be as thorough as you can. (2) Then every day make a definite point to express
love to your companion and find some specific thing to compliment and express
appreciation for. This will significantly help when it comes time to discuss
your problems, and it will also make your problems seem much less serious.
VIII. DISCUSS THE PROBLEM
-------------------------
A. Be
Willing to Discuss.
********************
Sometimes
a spouse becomes so angry that he/she refuses to talk. Some men think they have
the right to just make a decision without discussion.
The
husband should be willing to consider his wife's views.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ephesians
5:25ff -- The husband is head as Jesus is head of the church. But God listens
to our requests in prayer (Phil. 4:6f).
Ephesians
5:28,29 -- The husband should love his wife as he does his own body, but the
body communicates its needs so the head can make decisions according to what is
best.
James 1:19 -- Every man should be swift to hear, slow to speak,
slow to anger.
1 Peter
3:7 -- The husband is to treat his wife with understanding. But since men are
not mind-readers, this requires listening to her views. [cf. Matt. 7:12]
If sin
is involved, both parties are commanded to discuss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Luke
17:3,4 -- The one who believes the other has sinned, must rebuke him. This
surely applies in the home as well as elsewhere. [Lev. 19:17,18; Matt. 18:15;
Prov. 27:5,6]
Matthew
5:23,24 -- One who has been accused of sin must be willing to talk to seek
reconciliation. Again, this surely applies in the home.
Note
that the person who believes he has been wronged and the person who is accused
of doing wrong are both obligated to discuss the matter. If conflict in the
home is to be resolved, it must begin by discussion. "Clamming up" is
not an option.
Note,
however, that proper timing of when to discuss is also important. Discussing in
front of the kids or when one of you is extremely angry may not be good. If so,
don't just "clam up." Instead, agree to discuss the matter later, and
set a time when you will discuss it. Make an appointment and keep it!
[Matt.
18:15-17; Prov. 10:17; Gal. 6:1; Prov. 13:18; 15:31,32; 29:1; 25:12; 9:8; 12:1]
B.
Speak to Resolve the Problem, Not to Hurt One Another.
************************************************
Matthew
5:24 -- The goal is to be reconciled, not to hurt people. Often we are willing
to talk, but only for the purpose of getting our way. We seek to win a victory,
prove the other person wrong, etc. The purpose ought to be to find a Scriptural
resolution. [Lev. 19:18]
Romans
12:17,19-21 -- Don't repay evil for evil or seek vengeance, but return good for
evil. Sometimes a couple starts out trying to resolve a problem, but one
insults the other, then the other returns an insult. Soon the goal becomes to
see who can hurt the other person worst.
Too
many discussions end up being quarrels, because we let the problem become an
occasion to attack one another. Instead, we should work together to attack the
problem. Discuss the problem to solve the problem, not to hurt one another's
feelings.
When
bringing up a problem, introduce it objectively then maintain focus on the specific
problem. "Honey, there's a problem we need to talk about..." Don't
enlarge the problem to attack the character of the other person. Avoid
"You're just selfish, that's all," or "Why can't you be like
so-and-so's wife?"
C.
Listen to Your Spouse's Viewpoint.
******************************
A
"discussion" requires both listening and talking. In practice,
however, many spouses only want to express their own views.
James
1:19 -- Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to
speak, slow to wrath. Don't enter the discussion assuming the other person has
no valid reasons for his view. We should be quickly willing to listen, and slow
to present our views, especially when we are angry.
Suggestion:
Begin the discussion by asking your spouse to explain his/her view. Do not
begin by attacking the position you assume they hold and defending your own
view. Begin by asking questions honestly designed to help you understand what
they think. "Could you explain to me why you did it that way ...?"
"Have you considered doing it like this?" Maybe they have considered
your idea and have some valid reasons for preferring another approach.
Do not
dominate the discussion. Let the other person express his/her views. Do you
appreciate it when others just attack your views but refuse to listen to what
you have to say? "Love your neighbor as yourself," and practice the
golden rule (Matt. 7:12).
D.
Honestly Examine the Evidence.
****************************
John 7:24 "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge
with righteous judgment."
Honestly
seek to learn the facts of what happened -- maybe the other person did not do
what you thought they did. Ask for the reasons why the other person holds
his/her view. Maybe they have reasons that you have not considered.
Then
present evidence for your view. Don't just make charges and accusations. Don't
jump to conclusions or assign motives. If you don't have proof, then ask
questions. But don't make accusations unless you have proof. Recognize an
obligation to prove what you say or else don't say it!
Matthew
18:16 -- By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
(Acts 24:13) Do not consider your spouse guilty of wrong doing until the
evidence is clear. Do not condemn them on the basis of opinion and flimsy
appearances, when you would not want them to condemn you on that basis.
John
12:48; 2 Timothy 3:16,17 -- The Scriptures must guide us in matters of right
and wrong. They will judge us in the last day. If there are Bible principles
relating to the subject, study them together.
E.
Honestly Examine Your Own Conduct, Motives, Etc.
********************************************
Consider
honestly the possibility that you may have been wrong, or that you may at least
have contributed to the problem. Do not just find fault with your mate. Perhaps
you can improve.
Genesis
3:12,13 -- When the first married couple sinned, God confronted them. The man
blamed the woman and the woman blamed the serpent. Both had been wrong, but
neither was willing to admit their wrong. That is typical. Even when we are
guilty, we want others to bear or share the blame -- "Look what he/she
did!"
Proverbs
28:13 -- He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and
forsakes them will have mercy. In a family has serious problems, almost
invariably there is sin, but the guilty one(s) refuse to admit it, blames
others, rationalizes, etc. [2 Cor. 13:5]
Pride
keeps us from recognizing and admitting our guilt. Most people, when studying a
topic like this one can think of lots of points that apply to their spouses,
but what about you?
Honesty
and humility leads us to seek the truth and admit whatever errors we have made.
And remember, even if we are not convinced we caused a problem, love leads us
to be willing to get involved and help solve it. [1 Thess. 5:21; Psa. 32:3,5;
Gal. 6:1]
F. Be
Patient and Control Your Temper.
********************************
1
Corinthians 13:4 -- Love is patient. We are easily upset when a matter is not
quickly resolved. Resolving some problems may take a long time, with gradual
improvement. Don't give up. Don't expect that you or your spouse will change
overnight. Give it time. [Rom. 2:7; Gal. 6:7-9; 2 Thess. 3:5].
Proverbs
18:13 -- To answer a matter before we have heard it out is foolish. Sometimes
we are ready to judge a matter before we have thought it through. Don't make
snap decisions.
Don't
think that you must reach a final decision the first time a matter is brought
up. Take time for you and your spouse to think about what has been discussed.
If your initial discussion doesn't lead to a solution, ask for time to think
about it. Promise to discuss it again later. You are more likely to reach a rational
conclusion, and your spouse will know you have taken the matter seriously.
Prov.
15:1 -- A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Don't
allow your temper to make you lose your objectivity and resort to hurting the
other person. Anger is not necessarily sinful, but it must be controlled so it
doesn't lead us into sin [Eph. 4:26; Jas. 1:19,20].
IX. BE RECONCILED
-----------------
The
goal is, not to talk endlessly nor simply to vent frustrations, but to resolve
the problem. You should seek to determine a plan of action whereby the problem
ceases to alienate you.
A.
Compromise and Overlook Differences of Viewpoint, Where Possible.
*****************************************************
1 Corinthians 13:4f -- Love suffers long and is kind. Love is not
selfish.
Every
couple will find in one another characteristics that we would like to change
but cannot. Sin must not be overlooked, but if there is no sin and the person
just does things we don't like, then love will not push personal desires to the
point of alienation. Learn to overlook these matters without bitterness.
Romans
14 -- Even some spiritual decisions are matters of personal opinion, not
matters of sin. If you cannot prove your spouse has committed sin, do not imply
he/she has been guilty.
James
3:14-18; Matthew 5:9; Romans 12:17-21; 1 Peter 3:11 -- Sincerely seek a
peaceable resolution to the problem. We should want the conflict to end, even
if we have to give up our own desires to achieve it.
In some
matters, there may be give and take -- compromise. As long as no Bible
conviction is violated, seek a middle-ground solution. "I'll give in here,
if you'll give in there." Or, "Let's do it your way this time, and
then next time we'll do it my way."
Remember
to consider ways you can become involved and help your spouse do a job better,
instead of just sitting back and criticizing. Perhaps, in some matter, you will
end up each going separate ways and doing separate things. [Acts 15:36-40]
However, if one has been guilty of sin, then another approach must
be taken.
B.
Repent of Sin.
**************
2
Corinthians 7:10; Acts 8:22 -- If one or both have sinned, the Bible says to
repent and pray for forgiveness. Why should sins in the family be any
different?
Repentance
is a decision and commitment to change. We must recognize we have been wrong
and agree to do right. If sin is the cause of our problems, we will never
correct our marriage until we repent. [Luke 13:3; Acts 17:30; 2 Pet. 3:9]
C.
Apologize for Sin (Confess It).
**************************
Luke
17:3,4 -- If we have sinned, we must say, "I repent." Sometimes we
realize we were wrong, but we don't want to admit it. Until we do so, those
whom we have wronged cannot know we have repented.
Matthew
5:23,24 -- When we have wronged someone, we must go to them and make it right,
or God will not accept our worship. Have you made right the wrongs you have
done to your family?
James
5:16 -- We must confess our sins one to another. Sometimes the most difficult
people to apologize to are the ones closest to us. We think if we admit error,
they will lose respect for us. This is simply pride. But love is not puffed up
(1 Cor. 13:4).
Proverbs
28:13 -- He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and
forsakes them will have mercy.
Be
specific. Don't minimize, make excuses, blame shift, or recriminate. Don't say,
"I made a mistake, but look what you did!" Even if you are convinced
your spouse is wrong too, honestly admit your own error and correct it first.
Don't try to save face. Don't demand that others forgive you and instruct them
on how they ought to treat you. Just humbly apologize. Then later, perhaps at
some other time, discuss the errors you believe they need to correct.
D. Pray
for Forgiveness.
*******************
Acts
8:22 -- Peter told Simon to repent and pray for forgiveness. If we have sinned,
we must confess, not just to our companion, but also to God.
1 John 1:9 -- He is faithful to forgive us if we confess our sins.
When you have sinned, do you humbly confess it to God and to your
spouse? [Matt. 6:12; Psa. 32:5]
E.
Forgive One Another.
*******************
Luke
17:3,4 -- When one has sinned against us and confesses, we must forgive, even
seven times a day if necessary. Forgiveness is often needed in families. Love
forgives as often as is needed.
Colossians
3:13 -- We must forgive the way God forgives. How do we want God to forgive us?
Do we want Him to say, "I've forgiven you enough already. I don't care how
sorry you are or how hard you try, I won't forgive"? Do we want Him to say
He forgives, but then keep bringing it up again and using it as a weapon
against us?
Illustration:
When Indian tribes made peace, they would symbolize it by burying a hatchet
(tomahawk). The point was that everybody knew where it was, but nobody would go
dig it up and use it to hurt the others. So forgiveness does not mean we are no
longer aware the thing happened. It means we will not bring it up again to hurt
the other person with it.
Proverbs
10:12 -- Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins. How is your family?
Do you love one another enough to admit you errors and then to really forgive
like you want God to forgive you?
[Matt.
18:21-25; 6:12,14,15; 5:7]
F.
Develop & Carry Out a Plan to Correct the Problem.
*******************************************
Many
problems are deep-rooted, have continued for a long time, or have caused
serious harm. Some spouses confess the same old sin over and over, but they
never make specific provision to change their conduct. They seem to think that
all they need to do is to admit the wrong from time to time!
Proverbs
28:13 -- He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and
forsakes them will have mercy. No matter how often we confess a problem, it is
not truly resolved until we change our conduct!
Matthew
21:28-31 -- Jesus described a son who did not do what his father said. When he
repented, he had to do what he failed to do. When we repent of wrongs, we must
work to make sure they are not repeated. For long-standing habits, planning and
effort will be needed to change our conduct. [Cf. Eph. 4:25-32; Matt. 12:43-45]
Acts
26:20 -- One who repents must bring forth "fruits of repentance" or
do "works worthy of repentance" (Luke 3:8-14; Matt. 3:8). This
includes making sure that we do not repeat the wrong in the future. But it also
includes doing what we can to overcome the harm caused by our wrong deeds of
the past. [Cf. Ezek. 33:14,15; 1 Sam. 12:3; Philemon. 10-14,18,19; Luke 19:8]
When a
couple has long-standing and deep-seated problems, a resolution must include a
mutual agreement about what they specifically intend to do differently in the
future to change the conduct. They need a specific program or plan of action,
perhaps even one that is written down.
Alternative
courses of action should be discussed. Ways each spouse can help the other
should be agreed upon. Agreements should include exactly what will each partner
do differently in the future. Preferably these should be stated in away that
allows for progress to be obvious or measurable -- it should be evident when
the changes are (or are not) being carried out. Then the couple should made
specific commitments or promises to one another to carry out these actions.
James
5:12 -- But let your "Yes," be "Yes," and your
"No," "No." When we make commitments to one another, we
must mean what we say and then must carry out our commitments. We must make the
changes we promised to make and fulfill the plan of action we agreed upon.
[Rom. 1:31,32; 2 Cor. 8:11]
X. SEEK HELP (IF NECESSARY)
---------------------------
The
procedure we have described will resolve most serious family problems, if we
really love one another and are willing to obey God. But what if there clearly
is sin in a family and the above procedure has been tried, but the problem
remains? The Bible tells us to get help from other Christians.
A. Talk
to One or Two Faithful Christians.
*********************************
Galatians
6:2 -- Bear one another's burdens. The first source of help should be other
Christians. Some are too embarrassed to have others find out about their
problems, but one of the first steps to overcoming a problem is to admit we
have it.
James
5:16 -- Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another. Sometimes
other Christians have had experience dealing with a problem and can give the
Scripture or application that we need. Surely they can pray for us. Why should
Christians with spiritual problems seek help first from counselors who are not
even Christians?
Matthew
18:15,16 -- If your brother sins against you, first discuss it privately with
him. But if this does not resolve it, get help. Take one or two other
Christians with you.
Many
think this passage does not apply to family problems, but why not? It discusses
cases where one Christian sins against another. Where does this, or similar
passages, exclude family members from the application? Most of the Scriptures
we have cited in this study have been general in application, not specifically
regarding the family, yet we can all see they would apply to the family. Why is
this verse not the same? [Cf. 1 Cor. 6:1-11]
B. Take
It Before the Church, Then Withdraw.
**************************************
Matthew
18:16,17 -- We would hope that the mediation of one or two other Christians
would solve the problem, but if it does not, then the Bible says to take the
matter before the congregation. Perhaps the involvement of the whole church
will bring the guilty party to his senses.
If even
this does not solve the problem, then the one who is clearly in sin must be
withdrawn from. [2 Thess. 3:15; 1 Cor. 5; etc.]
This is
not to say we should run to the church with every personal problem. But if sin
is clearly involved and private efforts do not lead to repentance, God gives a
pattern for proceeding. In far too many cases, sin continues in our homes
because we are too proud or too foolish to pursue the Scriptural course for
seeking help.
Conclusion
*********
The
Scriptures do provide us to all good works, including how to solve problems in
our homes. There is hope for troubled marriages. We can solve our problems
God's way. If we do not do so, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
