Consider with me
some lessons people need to learn about what it means to leave father and
mother and cleave to one’s wife.
An Overview of
God’s Will for Marriage
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Marriage Is
Ordained of God and Must Follow His Will.
=================================
Genesis 2:18-24;
1:16-28 – God created marriage from the beginning. Since He created it, He
knows the best way to conduct it.
2 Timothy 3:16,17
– The Scriptures are profitable to instruct us and provide us completely to all
good works. That includes marriage.
Psalm 127:1 –
Except the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain that build it.
Many people seek
to follow Bible teaching regarding salvation, the church, worship, etc. But do
we likewise follow God’s plan for our homes?
Marriage Is a
Lifetime Bond Between One Man and One Woman.
=======================================
Genesis 2:24 –
From the beginning, God intended marriage to consist of one man and one woman
who cleave ("joined" – NKJV; "hold fast" – ESV) to one
another and become one flesh.
Romans 7:2,3 –
Marriage is for life. A person who is bound to a spouse in marriage must never
seek another companion while their first companion lives. (Other passages list
fornication as an exception, but we should never wish for that.)
Hebrews 13:4 – The
sexual union is permissible only in the lifetime marriage of one man to one
woman. Any other arrangement constitutes fornication or adultery which God will
judge.
[Matthew 19:3-9;
5:31,32; Mark 10:2-12; Luke 16:18; 1 Corinthians 7:3-5,10,11; Malachi 2:14-16]
The Man Should
Work to Provide for Himself and His Family.
=====================================
Genesis 3:17-19 –
From the beginning the man was responsible to labor with his hands to provide
bread. A man who is able to do this but will not, is lazy and foolish (Proverbs
24:30-34).
Ephesians 5:28-31
– The man should also "nourish and cherish" his wife as he does
himself. These terms include providing and caring for her, as well as
protecting her.
1 Timothy 5:8 –
The man who will not provide for his own, especially his own household, is
worse than an unbeliever.
The Bible is
filled with examples of men who were employed in various occupations by which
they provided for their families: sailors, shepherds, physicians, tax
collectors, carpenters, fishermen, preachers, etc.
[1 Thessalonians
4:10-12; 2 Thessalonians 3:10]
The Man Is the
Head of His Family, and Parents Have Authority Over Children.
==========================================
The husband is
the head over his wife.
*******************************
Genesis 3:16 –
God decreed that the man should rule over his wife.
Ephesians
5:22-25,28,29 – The wife should submit to her husband as the church should
submit to Christ. She must submit in "everything" unless her husband
tells her to do something sinful (Acts 5:29). But the husband must rule with
love like Jesus leads the church.
1 Peter 3:1-7 –
Even if her husband disobeys God, the wife still must submit. But the husband
should lead with honor for his wife and understanding for her needs.
[Colossians 3:18;
Titus 2:5; 1 Corinthians 11:3,8-12.]
The parents
exercise authority over their children.
*****************************************
Proverbs 1:8 –
Children should hear the instruction of their fathers and not forsake the law
of their mothers.
Ephesians 6:1,4 –
Children are commanded to obey their parents. Fathers should bring their
children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. [Colossians 3:20]
Luke 2:51 – Jesus
set an example of subjection to his parents.
[Genesis 18:19;
Romans 1:30,32; Proverbs 22:6; Deuteronomy 4:9,10; 6:6-9; Psalm 78:4-8]
Each Family
Should Function Independently from Other Families.
========================================
We emphasize that
each of these Bible principles applies equally to each family.
* Each man is
joined to his wife, and each woman is bound to her husband (Genesis 2:24;
Romans 7:2,3). They are not bound or joined in marriage to any other man or
woman.
* Each man must
provide for his family (Ephesians 5:28-31; 1 Timothy 5:8). He does not have the
same responsibility to provide for others.
* Each man should
be the head of his wife, and each woman should submit to her husband (Genesis
3:16; Ephesians 5:22-25,28,29; 1 Peter 3:1-7; Titus 2:5). The man has no
authority as head of any other woman, and the woman should submit as wife to no
other man.
* Each father and
mother is responsible to raise and train their children, and each child is
responsible to obey his mother and father (Proverbs 1:8; Ephesians 6:1,4; Luke
2:51; Genesis 18:19). They have no authority as parents over the children of
other families.
The result is
that each family functions separately and independently from every other
family.
Applications of
the Principle of Leaving and Cleaving
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Since these Bible
principles apply to every family, Genesis 2:24 says that, when a man marries a
woman, they form a new family separate from their parents’ families. Each
spouse must leave the family of his or her parents to establish a new family to
which all these Bible principles apply separately and independently from their
parents’ families.
Consider the
applications of these principles of marriage as they apply to this new family.
Permanence of
Marriage
===============
Matthew 19:3-9 –
Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24 to prove that God forbids divorce. A man leaves his
father and mother to be joined to his wife, and what God has joined together,
man must not put asunder. The only exception is that one may divorce a
companion for the cause of fornication. If one divorces for any other reason, the
divorce is a sin. And when he remarries he commits adultery. And whoever
marries the one whom he put away commits adultery.
Many young
couples just live together without marriage. This is a failure to leave and
cleave. The sexual union is permissible only within the lifetime marriage
commitment of one man and one woman.
And often when
young married couples have difficulties, as couples almost always do, one or
the other runs home to live with his or her parents. The parents may even
encourage this.
Divorce for any
cause other than fornication is a failure to leave and cleave. And separation,
except by temporary mutual agreement for spiritual purposes, is also a failure
to leave and cleave because it fails to fulfill the spouse’s needs and it tempts
to fornication. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)
Parents used to
tell their children, "When you get married, if you have problems, don’t
come running home to mom and dad. Work your problems out."
The new husband
and wife must leave their parents and cleave to their spouse.
Financial
Independence
===============
Parents should
provide for their children while they are dependents subject to the parents’
authority. But the time comes when a man is required by God to provide for
himself.
2 Thessalonians
3:10 – If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. Many able-bodied men
continue living at home, supported by their parents, when they should be out
looking for work to provide for themselves. Or they refuse to work because the
available jobs are not to their liking.
1 Timothy 5:8 –
In particular, when a man chooses to marry, he is commanded to provide for his
wife and children. Yet often young couples get married knowing the husband is
not able to provide for a family. And often they continue to depend on their
parents to provide for them.
The man who
marries must accept the responsibility to provide for his wife and children
separately from his parents. There may be unexpected problems in any family,
but to deliberately choose to continue to depend on the parents is a failure to
leave and cleave.
Independent
Authority
==============
Independent
authority goes hand in hand with financial independence.
*****************************************************
Sometimes when
young people are living at home and being supported by their parents, they
decide that they have reached a certain age so they get to make their own rules
and do not have to obey their parents. It does not work that way.
Just as the
church has only one head, so each home has only one head – Ephesians 5:22-25.
Everyone in the household must submit to the husband, just like everyone in the
church must submit to Jesus. So, as long as you are living in your parents’
home and depending on them to provide for you, you must follow their rules.
Fathers used to
say, "As long as you put your feet under my table, you follow my
rules."
That is one
reason why it is a problem when a young man marries but he and his wife still
live in the home of his or her parents. How can he be the head of his family
when he himself is subject to his parents? This is a failure to leave and
cleave.
Sometimes the new
husband or new wife depends too much on their parents.
*****************************************************
When a man
marries, he becomes the head of his wife and children. Yet far too often the
husband or the wife continues to depend on their parents for decisions.
Genesis 2:24 –
When a man and woman marry, they form a new family separate from the families
of either of their parents.
Ephesians 5:22-25
– This new family has a head and only one head: the husband. Neither the man’s
parents nor the wife’s parents are the head of this new family. To submit to
the parents would make two heads in one family. This is as wrong as if the
church were to have two heads.
Sometimes a
husband or wife has trouble "cutting the apron strings." The husband
may make choices based on what pleases his parents instead of what pleases his
wife and best meets the needs of his family. Or the wife may seek to please her
parents, instead of her husband. This is a failure to leave and cleave.
Friends and
family may make suggestions or give Biblical instruction when needed. But the
husband is the head of the new family, and his decisions should primarily
consider the needs and wishes of his wife and children.
Sometimes parents
interfere with grown children’s decisions.
*************************************************
Parents often
struggle with allowing grown children to become independent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For many years
parents have exercised authority over their children. Often it is hard for them
to let grown children go without continuing to interfere. They are unwilling to
give up control. If the children have different family rules, the parents may
instinctively think the children are unwise and even are reflecting negatively
on the parents.
This is a
difficult transition, but to continue to attempt to control their married
children violates the principle of "leave and cleave."
Conflict can
occur in many areas, but some areas can be especially troublesome:
Raising children
If the new family
has different rules for their children, the grandparents may interfere. They
may contradict their children’s methods. Or they may deliberately try to
influence the grandchildren to think or act differently from what their parents
have taught them.
Sometimes
grandparents want more time with their grandchildren and may resent
restrictions that hinder their contact.
Ephesians 6:1,4 –
God commands children to obey their parents, not their grandparents. Surely the
grandparents may have wisdom to offer. But if they really are wise, they must
remember that they no longer have the right to speak authoritatively. They may
seek to advise or persuade calmly and patiently. But they must remember that
their children are now in charge.
Religious
differences
Parents sometimes
view religion as a matter of family pride or family tradition. If grown
children make different choices, the parents may feel rejected or failures as
parents.
If parents
believe their children’s choices are sinful or spiritually dangerous, they
should speak up; but they must do so respectfully, as they would address people
in any other family. They have no right to use the fact they are parents as
reason to demand submission.
Parents may think
children dishonor them by choosing different courses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ephesians 6:2 –
"Honor your father and mother." Some parents claim that grown
children dishonor them or are disrespectful if they make decisions that the
parents disapprove.
However,
"honor" means to value, regard, or praise: the idea is appreciation
or reward. Obedience and authority are not inherently part of the meaning. The
word is often used for people who have no authority. Honoring someone does not
mean we must obey or submit to them.
1 Timothy 5:3 –
Honor widows who are really widows. This especially carries the idea of
providing for their needs. Must we obey the widows?
1 Peter 2:17 –
Honor all people. Does this mean we must obey all people?
John 12:26 – God
honors those who serve Him. Does this mean God should obey us?
Matthew 15:3-6 –
Jesus showed that honoring parents requires caring for them in old age, and He
contrasted honoring parents to cursing them.
So honoring
parents means appreciating or praising them and caring for them when needed.
But it does not require children who have left their parents’ household and are
supporting themselves to obey their parents’ instructions. To say otherwise
would violate the principle of leaving and cleaving.
How should
parents and grown children respond when they disagree?
*****************************************************
Instead of calmly
reasoning about disagreements, parents of grown children may try to get their
way by manipulation and pressure. They may nag, bully, ridicule, make
accusations, try to make children feel guilty, or even accuse them of sin.
Unconsciously or not, this is an attempt to control their grown children.
Consider these
Biblical principles:
1) Remember that
parents and grown children make independent choices.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children’s
family is a separate family from the parents as surely as any other family. To
pressure or manipulate them would violate Biblical principles of leaving and
cleaving.
1 Peter 4:15 –
But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a
busybody in other people's matters. Decisions of other families are their
business. That includes our grown children. We must avoid pressuring them to
accept our personal preferences.
2) Respect one
another’s personal conscience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Romans 14:13,19 –
Let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a
stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way. ... Therefore let us
pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify
another.
If your child
chooses a course which is not sinful, it is just as wrong to ridicule or
pressure them to violate their conscience as it is to disrespect the personal
conscience of anyone else.
3) Follow all
Biblical principles of reasoning based on God’s word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are
convinced a child or parent is in sin or their choice is dangerous spiritually,
then reason from Scripture like you should with any other Christian with whom
you disagree.
James 1:19,20 –
Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
Proverbs 10:19 –
In the multitude of words sin is not lacking; he who restrains his lips is
wise.
Acts 17:2,3 –
Paul persuaded people by reasoning with them from the Scriptures.
2 Timothy 3:16,17
– The inspired Scriptures thoroughly equip us for every good work, including
the good work of convincing and instructing people in righteousness.
Don’t nag, yell,
lose your temper, pressure, bully, or manipulate. Calmly reason from Scripture.
Discuss like you would with any other Christian.
Conclusion
======
All of these
concepts are important for parents to understand regarding their children.
Young couples should also understand these principles,. They may do well to
discuss, even before marriage, how they will relate to their parents, families,
and friends.
If a husband and
wife have problems with in-laws, let them discuss these principles with those
in-laws, explain the Bible teaching, and stand for what it teaches.
Let us learn to
leave and cleave.
(C) Copyright 2018, David E. Pratte You are free to keep copies of this material on computer and/or in printed form for your own further study. If you have any other requests about the use of this material, please read our copyright guidelines at www.gospelway.com/copyrite.htm. Free Bible Study Lessons, Commentaries, and Workbooks
